April 5, 2013

Love Remover - part 2

There are several things that define me, among which one of the most important is that: I. LOVE. COFFEE! I drink about 10 – 15 cups a day, every day! I drink coffee to wake up, I drink it once I’m awake, when I’m at work (believe it or not I don’t make a living writing …yet:)), when I come back from work, before I eat (yes, you read it right…BEFORE), before I go to sleep. The only time I don’t drink coffee is when I sleep. And during sex.
Now…about yesterday evening….

      3 hours since he left this evening (baby visit day) and I am ...numb. I don't feel the need to drink to forget (actually I do, but only because I've had my parents home with me since last Thursday...and now it's Thursday again...see why?:))  
       He's not making things any easier on me: although he's in his 40's, he looks like a 30 something man. He's got a new tattoo, he's trying to be in shape by going to the gym, he bought himself a necklace (very nice by the way)...well, let's not forget he's got a 20 something b#tch next to him and he's gotta look his best, right? 
   Since the breakup we both lost weight; I lost 10 kilos (22 lbs, that is:)) by not eating at all for 10 days (not kidding at all) and I never looked better! Thank you, love! Now, the downside is that, once the "I want to die" period was over and I finally began eating again, I started to put on weight with the speed of sound. 3 months later, it is impossible for me to go back to NOT EATING AT ALL. I’ve become a normal woman again, one of those who is on a diet, who wants to lose weight and she  struggles, and she goes to the gym, and then she rewards herself with a chocolate cookie and then she feels guilty and she starts everything all over again.
  The human body has this amazing ability to fight for itself; mine is now punishing me for not feeding it for such a long period of time by making me eat lots of crap: junk food, chocolate cookies, chocolate cereals, crackers…in the end, the heartbreak helped me get back the figure I lost when I was 12.
     Yesterday we “celebrated” 3 months since he came home and said he wanted out of our …family. We haven’t done anything special:) I came across an email I sent him a month after the END, when the pain was excruciating:
f#ck you for hurting me so much, for making my life a living hell
         for making me waste my nights crying instead of sleeping
         for making me afraid of love
         for making me love you more than I love myself and not even care
         for sleeping with another woman
         for living with another
         for kissing another
         for holding another
         for touching another the same way you used to touch me
         for leaving me
         for lying to me
         for making me listen to f#%king Adele's SET FIRE TO THE RAIN over and over again and crying each time
          for the moments when you are so cold that I feel like I was on f#%king NORTH POLE
          for when you tell me YOU LOVE ME
          for when you tell me YOU DON'T LOVE ME
          for making me hate food
         for making me want nobody BUT YOU
         for leaving me WITHOUT YOU in a house full of OUR MEMORIES
         for making me believe we were meant to be FOREVER
            for leaving me in a house FULL OF YOU
            for smiling to another
           for looking at another the same way you used to look at me
           for being the LOVE OF MY LIFE “

To be continued…


  1. I feel like I'm reading my thoughts back then. So real, yet so unreal! OMG! cheers to us for overcoming something so difficult. I bet you're one tough woman now. ;)

    1. Cheers to us indeed:) and about the tough stuff...well..let s say I d never let myself go through that shit again or allow myself to be a victim...