April 7, 2013

The theory of happiness according to Wilde

It seems, there are 2 options left for me:
#1 - fall into depression - this is what my psyche has been babbling about  all day (Uuuuhhhh I wanna cry, uuuhhhh I don't wanna go back to that horrible place called WORK, uuuhhh I can't sleep...OOOOHHHHH JUST SHUT UP!)
#2 - ask the doctor out - this is what my friend has been babbling about on the phone for almost an hour (she is as bad as my psyche:))
Well...decisions...decisions. I'll take the depression, thank you. It's a sure thing, so I won't be disappointed. The doctor, on the other hand, can say NO. Even though, it's not very likely for a guy to turn down sex, especially when it's NO STRINGS ATTACHED, but who knows. Moreover, I don't even know how dating works. It's bad enough that last time I saw him and we tried to flirt,  I was clumsy as hell  (maybe because I had THE MRS. aka my vagina, half naked).

       And since I chose depression, I do have one "depressing" question: is it really mandatory to have problems in our life? Does not having them make us less human? Or less lovable? Or abnormal? It seems the answer is YES in my case. I'll explain why.
My life has always been without problems - up until 3  months ago, most things happened the way I wanted and good came my way easily. I always thought I didn't deserve any of that, precisely because I felt I hadn't done anything for it. I kept telling myself that one day I would "pay" for this, that one day, LIFE would drop a bomb...and it did. I met HIM, I wanted HIM to love me and it happened, I wanted HIM to wish to have a baby with me and it happened also, I wanted HIM to buy me a diamond ring (diamonds are a girl's best friends, right?) and HE did, I wanted HIM to grow old with me and...well...that's where LIFE happened. 

     The law of attraction says that "like attracts like" and that you attract what you think about. I am now starting to believe this: I was negative thinking I didn't deserve anything of what my life meant before THE END OF US. What have I learned from this? Would I make the same mistake if ever I was stupid enough to let someone in my life again? Do we really learn from our mistakes when it comes to love? How many times do we need to make the same mistake before we actually learn something? 
I keep saying to myself and everyone else around me that I will never have another relationship again since the last one left a scar for life. And NO, I have NOT given up SEX, nor will I ever! I just don't want the things...around it.

What's sad is that HE said he didn't feel LOVED (at least towards THE END)!!! I don't know if I could have loved HIM more! I loved HIM so much. And I love HIM still (despite all the shit he's been doing to me lately).
    This is something I will never ever understand: why do we lose reason when we love someone? If everything was to function correctly, we would be able to see things the way they really are (without psychiatrical help or medication for that matter), we would be able to analyze it all and say: HIM who?  Wouldn't that be great? It would be great if we had an ON/OFF LOVE button:)) Yeah, I know! Me and my ideas (love button, love remover...love shit)!

"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her" - Oscar Wilde 

This man had it all right : love means unhappiness. The bigger the misery, the greater the love. I should show HIM this theory. We were both miserable..at least towards THE END - it means the love was still there. Now, the problem is that I am the only one left miserable and he seems to be happy with the B#TCH. See my point?

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