June 30, 2013

Paradise lost...

Definitely, I am doomed. And I'm not just saying that for fun. 5 months after being left by the man I thought I'd bury (ok, I agree, I could have found a nicer way to express what I meant, but we're all adults here, right?), I am now in another "drama" Yes! I. HAVE. LEARNED. NOTHING! 
      Briefly, he should live in a forest, somewhere remote. This way, he is sure no one leaves a trace on his soul. His reason is irrefutable, undeniable, unarguable.
 - "What do you mean care for a girl? I thought they were made to replace the blow up dolls." or 
 "I thought I was the only one who knew what sarcasm was! " or
-"I am not bored with you yet, so, I have a problem! I may like you, so now YOU have a problem:) etc etc."
 The head of a kid who hasn't known love yet...and who is desperately trying to run away from it..not necessarily consciously.
 His theory: love is bullshit, love ends, thus those involved end in Sufferville. So far so good, nothing new, been there, done that. I myself share the same idea: emotion is bullshit and those saying that it is better to love and suffer than not know love at all have never been on the verge of suicide because of this "wonderful" feeling.
 His strategy: hit and run. Again, so far, so good, shared this idea for almost 4 months (before he appeared).
 His plan: be single for ever. Aaaaaand STRIKE again..
So many similarities between the two of us, it's scary.
But that was until he let Satan into his life, that would be me. And feel like I did the same :)) 
I broke his code and made him break his relationship time barrier: 3 weeks. Too long in such a short life, wouldn't you agree? He broke mine and showed me I still got a lot to learn about myself. Yeah, it looks like what I did to him is by far less meaningful.
  He came into my life with good intentions: bring me back to life. But it seems he's starting to "cut" himself...and I let him cut me.

  Everything in the past 2 months leads me to believe that, in the end, we might be love seeking individuals. Just because most of us grow up with people who teach us that love is important, that love is everything...blah blah...
  I haven't lived in such family. The word "love" has never been pronounced out loud when being around each other. So now I wonder : am I naturally looking for love or running away from it? Aren't we a bit brainwashed by society? 
 Cause no matter what, we are constantly reminded that we all look for happiness. And this word includes love by default.
Happiness means a great relationship, thus loving and being loved by someone. 
Happiness is doing all the things we love...little things that matter. 
Happiness is living by yourself, thus loving yourself.

Anyway, who am I to question the natural order of things? 
I don't know. 
Six months ago (while still with Bob...oh! this is the first time I mention Bob. Hi Bob!:)) I thought I had all the answers to the question: who am I? I was a woman in a long relationship, I was a woman with a serious commitment, I was a woman in love. 
And when the relationship stopped defining me, I got lost. 
But the questions that now reside in me are: was I feeling like that and was I hurt cause Bob was gone or because the thing that defined me disapeared from my life? 
Was the period when I wouldn't stop crying and not eating a mourning of my own self? 
I hate it when I'm serious and I hate not being able to have a real answer

maybe I'm like this cause of the rain...and I looooove the rain

June 17, 2013

Do not use the hose...

Part 1
   I've been in Paradise, then stepped in Hell and now I'm back to...MYSELF. I no longer wish to question anything, I no longer wish to analyze, I no longer wish to understand or look for reasons why everything is happening. I only want to live and find a meaning in ME. This is a good plan on paper, isn't it? but veeeery hard to stick to for one like me.
  I'm curently NOT acting my age,it seems. Aaaand I suffer from emotional blockage.
At least, this is what the last shrink said...my third this year.
Each has his/her opinion; you should all agree on one thing, don't you think? Am I psychologically fucked up or not? the question is simple - why can't the answer be the same?
  I am still curious about what made me come back to... life. My mind is the great unknown. Am I in one of Freud's defense mechanisms or not? Am I using sex (read loooooots of sex, unimaginably ...loads of sex..ok, ok, I'll stop) to run away from the pain? Is the pain still there? Why am I not feeling it whenever I'm close to Bob? Why don't I feel anything whenever I see him or the Bitch? Am I in denial? and what is the meaning of denial in my case? Ok, my mind is about to explode. I am phychologically not built for sooooo many questions at once. But maybe this is what being in my thirties mean.
  I had a very nice conversation with Bob a few days ago...he saw me with the KID few times and he made some remarks on how cute we were together (really???? I knew that) and how I'm fooling myself to thinking that this is not a relationship. How could you possibly know that, Bob? I still don't know how to call this;how do you call someone who blows your mind and body (I said body to avoid saying SEX...ouups)?

I heard my mom say something that got me thinking about us, love seeking individuals. After seeing the Bitch, she thought that Bob found the right woman, the French girl by excellence (no, she doesn't speak a word of French, nor English for that matter, I even question her maternal language). The Bitch is now a very skinny freckly blonde...still not too much brains, but hey...whatever gets Bob through the days:) I can't lie: I am secretly hoping that by now, he realized how stupid she was, how conversations about her divorce problems and perfect nails are just not as interesting as it may seem (unless if you're a retard). but not because I am slyly wishing for him to come back (hell no), but just to prove him that she is a downgrade.
    I learned that she spent her time flirting with guys her age (can't blame her...there's something about young blood). Actually..not guys (at least as far as I know)...only one: my KID! How do you like that, Bob? ok, ok, I'm just being mean now. 
   Anyway, what my mom said made me wonder if we're not somewhat programmed to end up with the exact type of person we seem to run away our whole life from. While with me, Bob seemed the type of strong and powerful man wanting to have an equal by his side - equal from any point of view. And now he found himself with a chick who is almost half his age and, if asked she would probably say that the capital of Europe is France (I'm sure there are French people out there believing it :)
   I said something to Bob - something that seemed untrue at that specific moment; but once I actually processed what I had said, it was more than real. I confessed that our current life is exactly how it was meant to be - nothing more, nothing less. 
    I wish for nothing else besides my son's health. Other than that, my life really has everything I once secretly dreamed of - because, yes, there were times, back with Bob, when I thought : what happened if me and Bob weren't together anymore? how would it be for me to have all this freedom? and here I am...sometimes I do tend to believe this: be careful  what you wish for cause it may happen! 
  I don't regret a thing: not the 14 days I haven't touched food after he left, not the 8 years that ended in lies, not the time I begged for love, not when he hurt me even more each time I cried, not the moments I felt my house was closing down on me - all this led to one thing: freedom. It's the freedom of my soul
     No! don't be fooled...not for one moment: I feel nothing.

 Part 2
  this evening was..."special" to say the least...the bizarre "special". Bob came home to see the baby and we played together, the three of us like we used to. What can I say? the family memories are unique and I treasure them, so I guess this is why I maintain a civilized relationship with the father of my child. 
     We played with the sprinkler in the garden: our baby used it to hose us. what was interesting was that Bob got really close ...it was just for a second that our bodies were one against each other ..all wet. I know. It sounds like a scene from a bad porn movie, but nothing happened. What I felt was the touch of...a man..any man, the same kind of touch one feels when bumping into Mr. NOBODY when crossing the street: it bothers you for a second and then you move on.
I am starting to believe that, if the sex drive is gone, there's really nothing left here for you, Bob...


June 2, 2013

From time to time, love will dig out its ugly head

    From time to time, love will dig out its ugly head. From time to time, I am reminded that, not long ago, I had a heart that was in such pain, that I thought only death could end. I am curious where has all the love gone.
   Yesterday I felt like a stranger next to Bob; it was like we had met somewhere, but could not really tell where. Should I be afraid of this? Or is it normal? Is this what we have come to? We are now talking as 2 grown ups about our current lives; I felt comfortable enough to confess that I was going out with a 23 year old and, I won't lie, but I really enjoyed seeing his reaction. I wonder if he feels anything; if he feels that he is losing his ownership over me, over everything that I ever meant to him.
  I am quite curious about this change in feelings between two people who once shared so much, who once shared a love so big that they decided to conceive.
  I thought that a child was the ultimate commitment. I strongly believed that, if two people who loved each other so much decided to have a child together, their love and relationship could never get more solid. I was so wrong. I am now convinced that couples should never have children if one of them loved the other less; cause at some point, one will abandon the couple, one way or another. Yes! I may be afraid a little too much of being abandoned! more than before! thank you, Bob! You make all those panic attacks worth while.
  He used to say that me panicing was one of the things he hated most, that he couldn't be with a  person like me; he said he was scared of me and of those moments when he saw me almost breathless and him completely helpless before me.
  I feel like I am becoming more and more addicted to the KID; this is totally unacceptable in my "new world", in the NO FEELINGS rule world. I cannot let a 23 year old run my life, my habits, my sex life, my mind, cause apparently he is. I myself am acting like a kid. Today when leaving work I made a tour of the neighbourhood with him - he was trying to take me in his arms and kiss me, I was (not really) trying to escape...and all these games cannot lead to anything good for me. I cannot let myself feel again. Although I do miss depression now that I weigh 60 kilos again. 
   Our hours spent on the phone doing nothing but contradicting each other have become hours when we talk about desire.
 Really? It has become quite obvious that I am really bad at this game. I cannot play if I like my opponent, and this time, I am freaking addicted to him. I like how he puts my mind at ease, but I hate how vulnerable he made me realize I actually am. Cause...surprise! I am not cured. I don't feel cured.  As I write, I am realizing how I can still be easily hurt. 
   Several days and visits later, I see that the one person who CANNOT hurt me is Bob; but I can't say he ain't trying though. He's now picking on just about everything. One of my favorite movies is One fine day, where the main characters are two divorcees. Bob thinks I should no longer like this movie, nor be able to watch it just because there are two people there who are separated and single. Really? that's the best you can do? Even though I said I didn't care, he said: I don't believe you. I don't care, I said. and, really Bob, I don't care.  
  I was more taken with texting the KID than listening to Bob's shit anyway. I surprised him staring at me several times. Since I no longer trust him, I wonder what he's after. Cause he can't be staring at me for nothing. 
   Again, I wonder where has all his love gone? When has it disappeared? Why? How could love just leave me and go set in someone else? 

The KID seems to be more and more attached, I am trying to be more and more detached, yet it's hard. We spend too much time together, he makes me laugh and he's trying really hard to become indispensable to me for my good mood and continuous laugh. 

 It seems this episode is taking longer - lot has happened since last time I published. Nowadays, the Bitch is sick and the thing I like most saying is : KARMA'S A BITCH! She wrote him today (while he was at home) that she was feverish, that she wasn't feeling well, and, for the first time, he ignored her and prefered to stay with our baby. He found himself saying out loud: "I had enough of sick people".
 I don't need to do anything ( I don't even know how nor am I capable) and things are just happening. I was in hell and back, they hurt me so much that I wanted to end it by dying and they did all this while I still had love in my heart. That's where my weakness was; this is what I can never forget. 
They say in every relationship, there's always one who loves more, there's always one who gives more and there's always ONE who really gets hurt. I was always that ONE. What can I possibly do to not be that ONE anymore,ever? Should I just stop loving? 
 Has this been enough for me? I had two great loves in my life - can I say this was enough? 
 I had a YOUTHFUL love, my first and I also lived the MATURE love - the love that gave me a baby. Maybe in order to be complete at the end of our lives, we should all live 3 loves : the young one, the mature one and the older/wiser one. At the end of this "adventure" we may be capable of knowing exactly what love is, what we need to build the ONE PERFECT LOVE.
  Bob came to see our baby today and, at some point he said: "ah maman, c'est bien d'etre a la maison!" So... from time to time, love will dig out its ugly head...