Looking for the summer...

      Since I'm few days away from going back to work, I'm just gonna make the most of what I got left and write as much as I can.

This and the fact that I'm back to insomnia. Well...not insomnia insomnia, but working on a different schedule: writing at night and sleeping during the day. 

I have officially become Ms. Dracula Gray, minus the blood sucking...but we'll see in a few days.

Don't worry, I'm gonna be back to normal when Kidzilla comes back from his vacation with Star Wars villain.

  Anyways, I had a friend over yesterday. She's 33 and single. Same thing that can be said about me...apparently. Never mind...

   Talking to her I realized I'm surrounded by several stories of women that are all looking for the same thing:  

 and

. 

Or what that song said: 

wanna be on your mind/

 stay there all the time

   Story # 1 -  30 something - married, going on separation since late 2000, in love with a guy for whom pussy is more important than committing..well..duuuhhh

    Story # 2 - 30 something - divorced on the Asian continent, hanging from her last relationship, still in love, needs to get laid otherwise we'll start calling her  Spiderwoman

Story # 3 - 30 something - single, dating a whole lot, now wondering if she is actually the problem in not finding THE GUY; she gets a lot of action though...

  Story # 4 - 20 something - single, mourning her few months relationship with a guy who let his dick decide for him...but isn't this what they all do? 

    Sorry guys, this is the lack of sex talking, or a good night sleep...

Story # 5 - 30 something - living a secret relationship that's giving her butterflies in her stomach even after a decade, but wondering if she'll have this teenage relationship for ever

   

    Story # 6 - 30 something - needs to get laid...first...and then we'll talk

  Let's face it...this is not new.  But most of us think that, by the time we're 30 or in our 30's our lives are already in order in the LOVE department. 

Or at least, those in our 30's - sorry, late late 20's - think that it should be much much easier for the 20 year olds.

  But it's not...for either of us. 

  When has love become so damn hard? Or better yet...why can't we have the whole package for life? Love, passion, friendship, lust, trust, sex, butterflies...

   It seems easier to find a unicorn these days... 

  you'll all agree this is a subject we could debate for ever, but it's quite late and Ms. Dracula will try to get some sleep.

But before that...

    Surrounded by all this and given my past romantic experiences, you might understand why being

is so much easier.

But despite this...I still obsess over this and...Barcelona, from time to time ;-)

I think I might've inhaled you

I can feel you behind my eyes

You've gotten into my bloodstream

I can feel you flowing in me

My dearly beloved...

My dearly beloved,

      We are gathered here to talk about two things: 

1 - joyful 

         the other...not as joyful

I will start with the latter: 
        A few minutes ago something died...something that meant a great deal to me and made me very happy for a certain period of time.
This ...thing lived for 2 years and 3 months, but lately it was fighting an "illness" that proved to be stronger.
       Despite the ...expensive "medication" that was administered daily, the time and the efforts invested in finding a cure and the distress of all those involved in the process, unfortunately, it could not be saved.

Those who loved it dearly and were closest to it, Mona and Jack, will miss it terribly.

Let us all pray that it is noW in a better place and we'll all learn from its death.

Now... on the the next thing...my vacation in France

   Yeap, last Thursday I returned from a week in France with my little Kidzilla.

Even though after moving into the new house last year I said I would probably not leave it for another 5 years, somehow, life (Kidzilla's grandfather and some money I still had from selling the car ) made it possible.

       The holiday had one downside though: the KID was not there. He'll never believe I missed him, but it no longer matters now.

         I'll show you few pics (not too many :-)) of those places I've seen in a while.

      I realized that this year I've been abroad twice and the year is not over yet ;-)

Yeap, last year when I was making all the arrangements for the new house I truly believed that this was the end of my ...social life. 

I truly believed that the only "trip" I'd be taking would be the road house-work-house because I had so many problems with it.

   

But somehow, along the way, I reached a simple conclusion:

the only thing I'll take with me when I'm dead are my memories of what I have lived, not one of the house walls.

So, ever since I've become aware of this and truly understood it, I started doing things that truly matter. 

        This is why I invested in 2 plane tickets instead of repairs around the house.

Well, I'll have to do those eventually, but they can wait.

What do you say, KID? Will you invest in a plane ticket too?

   

we were attacked by a sea monster

kidzilla watching the planes during our 4 hour stop in Switzerland

and this is for the KID....ENJOY THE TRIP DOWN ON MEMORY LANE!

Happy now?

Motivational Monday? Yeah right...

   

“Love is bullshit. Emotion is bullshit. I am a rock. A jerk. I'm an uncaring asshole and proud of it.” 

“Ok. You f#ck me, then snub me. You love me, you hate me. You show me a sensitive side, then you turn into a total asshole. Is this a pretty accurate description of our relationship.” 

- Chuck Palahniuk

        
If you don't know who this guy is, I'll tell you: he wrote FIGHT CLUB.

What he's also famous for - but he doesn't know it yet - is the fact that, with these two quotes, he described me and all my relationshits so well .

How do we know we've done everything when a relationship comes to an end or just...not working anymore? 
Is it...possible to actually be objective about this? About the efforts that we've put into it?
    Because...let's be honest: the other thinks the same! 

The conclusion I've reached so far: we can't win this! There are actually no winners here. Ever!

        So...don't beat yourself too hard and, no matter how difficult it seems at the beginning, it gets harder in time! :-) Kidding ...just kidding!
Or am I?

   It only gets harder if you let it and put yourself down. 

  Why am I telling you all this? 
Well...cause today I've had one of the shittiest days in my long distance relationshit life so...naturally, I have to spit it out cause, otherwise, I'll drive myself crazy.

Really now, I think I'd make an interesting case for any psychiatrist.

Sometimes I feel I'm still a teenager when it comes to my romantic life. Yes, I am talking about those 17 years spent in relationships. 

When does it get better? Or easier? 

For me, I think - NOT AS LONG AS THE KID IS STILL IN HIS 20'S.

I still wonder if it's normal (at my age) to long for this:

I am not the kind who will settle for any relationship just for the sake of being in one or with someone. 

Not even at my age. 

I saw this pic today and thought: this should be true for every man!

0205042015BCN

Here I am...It's been 3 months, but it feels like 3 years.

  First thing that goes through my mind?  Has it really been 3 months?

  I've done some things that I can only define as...unexpected from someone like me.

I am alone again. Not single, but alone (well, after the conversation we've just had...don't know anymore).

 Yes, the KID left me a 2nd time to follow his money dream abroad.

         What happened between departure number 1 and 2? Well...

       I went through a break up, spent some time partying as if I were 20 years old, then decided to leave for the unknown. 

I guess this must be the middle life crisis for a woman. 
Yes, if  being in your 30's means that, then I am middle aged. Shoot me now!

The unknown was actually a trip to Barcelona. 

                        A new found love IS Barcelona and everything about it.

Just a glimpse of it...

      How did I get there? Let's just say that you never know what may come out of a chain of stressful events.

      In my case...it led to a wonderful experience that I'll cherish for the rest of my life.

       After 4 days spent in another world being someone else, I came back to find the KID at my door. 
Yep, at 4 o'clock in the morning. Waiting there for 4 hours..at least that's what he claims. 
        
   For few seconds, everything seemed like a scene from a romantic shit movie. 
     I get off the taxi, a rose is hanging on my postbox, I can hear Puccini...(kidding about the music)...I turn my head and I see him getting out of the car with few chocolate boxes. 
      What can I say.. the man knows the way to my heart.
    
  I run to him, he runs to me...but few minutes later, we're inside the house, fighting again.

And so, a new relationshit started.

        However, 1 month later he left me again to pursue his dream of getting rich before he turns 30. Kids today!

     Between breaking up with the KID, going to Spain, coming back to the KID, stressing because of my job, I find out I have another problem. Actually I find out I AM a problem.
To my ex's marriage. WTF?
    Never mind..I'm not getting into this right now, but exactly how much shit do I have to take from these two before I push the Bitch down the stairs? Wait...we have no stairs at work. God damn it!

   Going back to our muttons, I'll continue by saying that, since I've been away and after everything that's happened, I have finally learned to separate the really important things from the insignificant ones, hence I stress less.
   I know, it's a little late, but hey, better late than never.

•    I have discovered sensations and emotions I hadn't experienced before.

      The trip to Barcelona has opened my mind in so many ways. 

I realized that this was one of the few things I've actually done for myself and nobody else. 

Yes, I fully assume what I said and encourage all of you to do things for yourselves from time to time without feeling guilty about it. 

This will avoid you going out and buying a gun ;-)

Given the chance (and financial resources), I'd do it again...all I need is the Barcelona or..whatever city calling :-P

•     I have discovered a side of me that I didn't even know existed: that side capable of changing a core feature with the right...incentive.

I know how daring this sounds, but it's true. One day I'll elaborate. Promise.

•     I have learned that change is not necessarily bad and we can always turn the bad stuff into positive...with some exceptions, of course. 

     We are programmed to fight change because it takes us out of our routine, our comfort. 

But once we learn to accept it as a natural part of our lives, everything will become much more clear.

Ok, this is not a reason to dye your hair blonde tomorrow, but still...

•     I started drinking even more coffee than before : over 1 l/day.         Don't worry, my heart's just fine. 

•    I have become obsessed with this guy's music

•  Last, but not least, I have become even more cynical about this strange thing called
  
  I know, KID, you're not gonna like this, but this is how it is. 

       I'm difficult to deal with, I have a lot of skeletons in my closet and I'm still fighting some demons. But I don't need one more.

    Just realized it's been a year since I moved into the new house; it's been a year already since July 3rd.
 I still don't have doors - bath included, and people who visited learned to ignore this little detail. 
   
   There are still a lot of things to be said...but it's so late and in 5 hours I should be up preparing my little KIDZILLA for summer school. 
  I know, I'm a monster for doing this to my kid, but I told you last year: it's all fun and games and lazy days by the pool for him. 

    Good night, everyone!

Sunset I caught few days ago...