April 21, 2013

shall we go see a ...shrink?

          Even though I never thought this possible, there I was today, holding my phone in one hand and my son in the other, looking for psychiatric help. Well...it was about time, you'll all say. Yes indeed and this time the doc is not a gorgeous thirtysomething guy. damn it!
it 's bad enough that ever since the break up, all I did was talk, talk, talk (honestly, I hope all the people I know are aware of all the details, cause I can't take it anymore repeating the same story over and over again). Now I have to continue talking and pay for that...literally:)
         last night I dreamt of him...finally. 3 months after we broke up it finally happened. he was telling me that his newly found freedom was not what he expected and that the bitch spent too much money.
Just to prove me that my dream means absolutely NOTHING, HE is taking his beloved BITCH to France. Moreover, during the same period HE took me when we first started to be together. Isn't that sweet? this screams originality:) I bitch about this, but it hurts like hell. 
how am I to advise anyone about heartbreak when 3 and a half months later I'm still shocked at every little shit HE does.
     anywaaaaaay...back to the shrink. One piece of good news she gives me: my son is not traumatized. One piece of bad news: I am. HA? wait! I knew that! How much did you say I had to pay to find this out? I actually expected her to say she had a magical potion that I had to drink and the pain would go away. Well, the effect is visible after 3 to 6 years, but still...
Come to think of it, what have I actually learned from this breakup that could help me or others in the future? 
     Well, first of all, I learned that love is all about making sure the other feels it. As a curiosity, I still don't understand what people mean when they say: "I love you so much it hurts". What the hell does that mean? Why does it hurt if you're still with that person? Love only hurts when it's gone. 
    I ask myself: what is it exactly that causes us pain? the fact that we lose the object of our love (HIM or HER) or losing the feeling of LOVE? For now, in my case, it's losing HIM and everything HE represented in my life that make my heart and soul die a little every day.  All the things he did for me, with me, his presence, his skin, his smile, his arms, his kiss, the comfort he gave me, his touch, his hand in mine, him with me playing with our son, and the list of painful things can continue.
      I learned that what I thought he knew about my love was completely wrong. I was always sure that the things I did or didn't do were enough for my beloved, that I knew HOW to love...I always saw things from my perspective, but I don't ever recall asking HIM: how do you want to be loved? how can I show you? Maybe Jerry Maguire was on to something when he kept saying: "Help me help you!" Well, maybe I should have said: "Help me help you be loved as you want! Help me to never need a shrink to get over you!"

     I also learned that, in order to survive, a flirt with a 20 something guy was just what I needed to get my mind off the hurting, off the bastard, off the fact that HE is taking the bitch to the same places he once took me, off the fact that HIS love is long gone.
    Flirting with a 20 something has its downsides though: I am a 31 year old woman and I do things the YOUNG people style. I have been lured into a never ending emailing universe that keeps me up until 2 -3 even 4 o'clock in the morning. Now I realize: in terms of sleep, there is no difference between the first month after the heartbreak and the first days of virtual flirting. I get the same amount of sleep, and that is a couple of hours, if I'm lucky...but daaaamn I love it

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