September 28, 2013

Who's afraid of Lexy Gray?

       Lexy and the KID are sitting in a tree,
       the KID proposes and Lexy says: "weeeeeeeeeee"

       But what happens when Lexy feels she has cold feet about the marriage? The KID goes wild. And no, for once it's not for sex. Cause sex is something that neither Lexy or the KID are getting; just because the KID is working in the evening shift and Lexy is old(er) and falls asleep before Romeo comes back.  And apparently Lexy is showing teeth

and is almost ready to bark/bite in her sleep if anyone tried to move her or make her change sleep positions...let alone try to have sex with her

And now, seriously, about the cold feet thing...Haven't you all been there? Isn't this like a syndrome or something? I know I wasn't/am not (ooohhhh I don't know anymore) the marrying kind, but it seems that doubt has taken over. Problem is I'm not sure if I doubt him or myself or us or just the concept of marriage...really don't. And he's expecting me to act all normal about it. if I married every two years. 

     So, everything went on like this: 
I come home from work feeling a little down (who doesn't), but with no specific reason. I make the mistake of dropping a word to my significant other and booooooom! Third world war is nothing compared to his reaction to my ...possible...eventual doubt.
But I, myself don't even know if I doubt anything or if it's just a bad state of mind due to work, plans that I'm making to leave ...everything (but this is another story), my kid (the little one) who's been driving me crazy lately or our daily "matches".
  So here we go! We choose Google Hangouts (sorry guys) as a battlefield. Oh my God, where are the days when writing to someone who was away was only possible by post? By the time your angry letter got to that person, the shrinks would have done their job on anger management.
I say: "I need extra reassurance"
He says: "Ok, we don't do it and I will no longer talk about it"
I say: "And I thought I was extreme"
            u r of great help what can I say"He says: "well either you want it or you don't
                thinking about it is not an answer
                actually it is; it's a NO!

I pause for just a few seconds while I

He says: " so now you don't have time to answer...
               you're not in the mood for me I guess"

What if I were to the bathroom? Or on the phone with my Mom who forgets to hang up sometimes...Social networking is not helping this time... AT.ALL !

     We end the Google chat (not very friendly), he comes back from work (at 1 am may I add) and we continue the "debate" face to face.  I am already cursing the moment I turned on my computer, let alone the minute I wrote the fatidic phrase.  He's telling me I don't love him the same way he does (we all have our ways of loving, right?), that he's thinking about a future for us (and I'm not????) but I'm still acting as if I were single. Right...If that were the case, I'd still lie on the floor somewhere in the house crying my heart out and not eat at all. Hey..wait a minute...the part about not eating is not that bad :)) Just kidding!

But what was I thinking??? Talking to him about marriage, cold feet and second thoughts is like mentioning pork to a Jewish person. 

By 3 am the discussion is over, the sex has already been had and love and marriage ideas have come back from that unknown destination where they had gone to wander. 

     I guess all this stress is coming from all the plans that I'm making for our future (me, him and my baby) or maybe I'm just not that into marriage.   
    When the idea came about, I told 5 of my friends: all women, 4 married and one eternal single girl (who finds something wrong to any guy who dares to approach her). I know! Not the best entourage:) 
Anyway, the married ones said: "Great! It was obvious that this is what you've always wanted. Every girl/woman dreams of getting married." Right...KILL ME!
The unmarried one said: "Is this you? Really? Sweety can I call you later?" I'm still not sure if she was really busy doing something else or this was her "defense" mechanism towards the news she just got.
  It's good to know what they're thinking. You don't want to know my parents' reaction to the idea that the suicidal broken hearted girl from almost 9 months ago who promissed to never have any relationship in her life (but still continue to have sex of course) would do such an iresponsible thing. I should have eloped;)

At the time of this post, we're still not married (even though we wanted to do it the same week the idea came to our crazy heads), he's pretending to sleep next to me (I say pretending cause from time to time he raises his head, looks at my laptop and then he's giving me the mean look cause I'm writing instead of looking at him sleep:)))) and I'm thinking : dieting is not for me:) 

September 18, 2013

Me against marriage

    Let's see...for those of you who happened to stop by, let me tell you briefly what the story is: girl meets boy (boy 11 years older than her, girl 23 at the time), girl falls in love with the boy, boy falls in love with the girl, 4 years later girl gets pregnant, boy on cloud no 9, another 4 years later boy cheats on the girl with a new girl from work (new girl 6 years younger than initial girl), girl is left heartbroken and suicidal, boy moves in with new girl (new girl married, with child at the time of the affair), girl cries her heart out for 4 months and begs boy to come back, girl swears never to love again, never to let anyone in her life and heart again...that until ....
      One fine day, a 23 year old new boy from the same work place as the girl, the boy and the new girl enters the girl's life and changes her for ever. Yes, all four of them are having a jolly time to say the least.
     Ladies and gentlemen, this is my story. I am in a place that I never imagined (must have said that waaay too many times in this blog, but it's true). It's like being on another planet. At 31 (for one more month) or in my late 20's as I like to say, I am beginning to learn what life is; I have finally begun to open my eyes, to receive lessons...I have finally begun my journey through life. Yeap, it's kinda late, but hey...better late than never. 

   Since everything I said or promised myself turned out to worth shit (sorry for the bad words, I'm not usually like that unless under a lot of stress), I am not even trying to make any other vows. Except maybe for one...

    News flash everybody: I am getting married! And I'd probably be married now if that didn't cost 15 hundred dollars to do it immediately. Now I have to wait at least 25 days to pay the lowest fee. The city hall should pay me for doing it..Really...Kill me!
Whaaaaat? Wait a minute? Did I say that out loud? I guess so. But wait...I am against marriage. Or at least I was. Seems not anymore, darling. Or maybe it's the crisis...the 30 year old woman's crisis!
  I know, people, I am lost too and don't understand any of this either. 
  But it was supposed to be a blog about pain, heartache, crying, self pity, psychiatric help, loneliness, single life, single parents, life without love, life after love, hate towards happy couples, hate towards Valentines day and all this kind of crap. What the hell ?
   Turns out, it takes a 23 year old with brains, a weekend with around 100 emails about psychology, Oscar Wilde, sarcasm and cynical quotes to turn everything upside down. Yeap, just what any girl dreams of.
   Not long ago, my belief was that love ends with marriage... I'd say that love ends during marriage:)) Yes, I am mean again, this is my "me against marriage" moment of rebellion. 
    I believed that a piece of paper only makes things harder upon breakup, that a love story is just fine without any additional stuff or insignificant papers. Turns out...even a child (that I thought to be the ultimate commitment to someone) can't hold a wild horse (well, I am not referring to my ex, since I would now call him a nag). Mean again!!!!
   I believed a French proverb that quotes: "Marriage is like a fortress besieged: those who are outside want to get in, and those who are inside want to get out".

  I believed that the married ones are bound to cheat or be cheated unmistakably at some point. Now I believe that everybody cheats and those who haven't done it, just didn't have an opportunity yet.
   I believed in the freedom to just walk away at any time if ever the love was gone or we no longer had anything to say to each other. I would never accept to stay near someone just for the sake of companionship; I prefer to have a dog instead. I do actually have one; here it is

   Even with all these arguments and many more it seems that my mind and heart are set on this. 
   "Honestly, Lexy, I don't know who you are anymore. You've known him for ..what..5 months? And now you're ready to give up on your freedom? Let me ask you a question: are you ready to have sex with the same guy for ever?" 
 This is my inner voice talking... It's the same one that said : "Jump in the lake tonight!" while I was in the "I want to die cause an idiot left me "period. Maybe I won't listen this time either...I don't usually listen to anyone anyway. 
 -  Well (this is me now), I honestly don't know. I'm ready now and I believe it now, the rest, well...we'll see. The fact of the matter is that I said YES when the word WEDDING came out of his mouth. 
     You're right, I should be the mature one who should talk him out of this for too many reasons. He's so young (almost a 9 year difference between us and they're on me), he just found LOVE for the first time, the thing that I love to hate, he needs several relationships before he actually finds THE girl/woman who doesn't nag him too much (could be me even though I'm quite good at nagging when I want to), one who never says she has a headache on Monday nights (mean..yeah, yeah, get over it! I for one NEVER have that kind of headaches, but who's bragging?), one who's not thinking of George Clooney when she doesn't have a headache (how can I think of anyone else when he's great?), one who doesn't laugh at his bad jokes (no, I don't find this sweet. If the man is telling a bad joke, why laugh???), one who cooks for him (so far he doesn't seem to be too impressed with my cooking. Thank God, I can compensate with sex;) !

     Who knows? Maybe we'll be eternal lovers after all...


September 12, 2013

Kidzilla's "betrayal"

    " - Mom, I love the B!*#h cause she plays with me and she said she was my friend. And dad said I should love her."
   Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????? Wait a minute, something's wrong here. My 4 and a half year old did not just say that, did he? Ok, if I lived in a cartoon, I would have smoke coming out of my ears, but (un)fortunately, I live in the real world where my son is telling me he cares about his father's 26 year old new girlfriend. Kill me!

      Yes, I have lived to hear this. Even though few months ago he said he didn't like her, let alone love her, now things have changed for my little man (of course, he loves just about anyone who gives him lots of presents and never scolds him about anything...let alone if you're daddy's new girlfriend, desperate for acceptance, who just lost custody of her son for having cheated on the husband. Uuuuhhhhh too much information, even for me!). 
     Now, let's all be adults here and analyze the situation as calmly as possible...without throwing or braking things, without sending my son to an army camp (so what if he's 4?:D).  

    It's 2 am and I'm here with my cup of coffee, Justin Timberlake (yes, I'm not ashamed to admit it), blog world (spent few hours discovering blogging world today) and the worst of thoughts. 
    I do admit..I am selfish when it comes to my son and I'm in no rush of sharing his love with the woman (not sure I can call her like that cause of her age)  his father cheated with, but can I really hold it against him? Correct answer is: NO! 
   How can we, women whose life partners have cheated and lied could ever cope with the fact that our children may come to care about our partner's new love interest, especially when it's the person we were cheated on with? I for one find it damn hard, almost impossible. 

   When having children, we don't imagine for a moment that, at some point in our lives there would be a time when we would have to share their love with...daddy's illiterate peasant of a girlfriend (see for explanations). 
    I perfectly understand that he's only four and has no clear definition of love, but it still hurts to hear him mention the Bit#h's name and the word "love" in the same sentence. Selfishly I'm waiting for him to grow up and have the real perspective on things. 
   Today I was wondering what I could possibly answer him when he'll ask me why me and Bob are no longer together. He's already doing it, but so far I was able to get away with short answers like: "me and dad could no longer communicate well, but now that he lives in his apartment, dad and I get along just fine."  When in fact, what I feel like saying is: "your dad cheated on me, left us for mommy's younger still married work colleague, but he's blaming me for this saying mommy pushed him between the bit#h's skinny legs."  I can see my son go:

   Ok, ok maybe I won't do it...for now! just kidding! they say it is wrong to tell lies and this is exactly what I'm doing now: lying to my child about my relationship with his dad. I find it far worse than the Santa number I'm doing on him. I think I'll  need a drink when the time for THE TALK comes along.
    I am now in a constant competition for my son's love and acceptance, I am competing for 1st place in his heart, I am competing to be the only one in his heart. Yes, again, this is a selfish thing to do, but I am now competing against two adversaries. One's the father for the reasons I stated in my previous post ( and now the Bitch, who is trying to win my son over.  Come to think of it, I should have pushed her down the stairs when I had the chance:)

   And now, from a reasonable, normal, logical, unselfish, motherly perspective, I am glad that my son is feeling loved, I am glad SHE plays with him and makes him feel comfortable around her. I only hope SHE treats him well and not acting...otherwise pushing down the stairs will no longer be a theory.  I also wish that my son doesn't get hurt by his parents' silent war cause there's really nothing, absolutely nothing like being called several times a night by this little man who takes my hand in his and says I LOVE YOU, MOM in the middle of the night. 

bones - our song, ha KID?

   This is the song I had on repeat for days when it started to mean something for me and the KID. Everything she says is damn sexy and at that time it made me live all the passion and lust for him each time I would listen to the song.

   "Further inside you than you've ever known...desperately trying to feel you"

    For all the lovers out there, this is for you;) Enjoy!

September 8, 2013


          Few months earlier: my son left on vacation with his father and another woman.
       Present day: I am on vacation with my son and ...another man! Whoooooooaaaaa!!!!
       Ok, ok, let's all chill a bit and analyze the situation. How did I get here? Few months ago, the only way I thought another man would see my son was through pictures and now I am looking at another man (if we can actually call a 23 year old like that! Ok, let's forget for a second that I am mean  and maybe, just maybe the age difference is still something I am not over yet).
    I was left alone with a 4 year old child who thinks he's the king of the world. No, it's not his fault! God, no! It's his father's. Just kidding! 
    From the day his father left us for the Bitch aka the one who is as intelligent as a broom handle (that has now dyed her hair blonde to make it even more obvious - sorry,I am just another one that likes jokes with blondes;)), I started turning my son into a monster. Yes, I live with KIDZILLA! Let's develop a bit, shall we?
    First: he doesn't eat alone. He knows how to use a fork, a spoon but they're too heavy for his Royal Hands so Mom, as has to feed him. Ok, I hope he won't be doing this until the age of 20.
   Second: he never answers when I call him; unless of course I call 20 times and the 21st I decide to raise my voice. There are times when I think his ears are soundproofed against me.
   Third: he doesn't listen. Well, he does if I threaten to cut his cartoons for a week. Is there any other way to make our children listen besides cutting on the things they like? if there are, I haven't found them so please share.
   Fourth: he doesn't like to fall asleep alone and he wakes up at night. Guess what he does several times a night! That's right: he calls good old Mom to come sleep in his bed. So, what I do (besides hitting my head against the door/wall cause opening my eyes is not really an option) is go to his room, tell him I'm there, sit on his bed to convince him I am not going anywhere and fall asleep in a very uncomfortable position. So few hours later I open my eyes and try to get up, but I discover I can't move my head, my back hurts as if I carried heavy things all day and I'm dead tired.
   Fifth: he likes to give me orders. Cause Bob aka his father said he could since he is the little BOSS of the house.
   Sixth: he raises his voice if I don't do what he wants when he wants (pretty much like I do; the only difference is that, in my case, it's not efficient).
   Seventh: he threatens to go to his dad's every time I dare send him to the corner.
Did I say he's only four and a half? 

   I now see how difficult it is to raise a child by yourself; and when I say by yourself I mean it. Bob feels that he is honoring his duties as a father by playing with him for 2 hours every 2 or 3 days...and let's not forget the presents. Under the excuse I ONLY SEE HIM FOR SO LITTLE TIME, he is buying gifts to compensate for his guilty conscience.
   How can I raise Kidzilla to be a person with values when sometimes I feel he's a ping pong ball? His father takes him every 2 weekends but if the Bitch changes plans, Kidzilla disappears from the picture so he is sent back to me. 
    I love my son with all my heart but sometimes, even though I feel like a bad mother after, I really wish I could send him to his father's for a while...just so he could ruin Bob's little plans for a nice quiet life with the Bitch.
   I think Bob might be on to something: as a guy, when you feel the need for a carefree kidless life, you just say so and the court does everything for you (for the married ones of course, cause the unmarried just leave). "Yes your Honor, I found a younger woman that I'd like to f#ck, so I suppose you're sending the kids with their mother cause I really don't like the noise they make:))" Sorry to all men out there, but I just couldn't help it.
    Sometimes I feel like shouting all the shit Bob did to Kidzilla's face, right during those moments when he says he wants to go to his dad's. But I don't and I won't. Not ever. Cause in the end, my child is my life and I'd never do anything to hurt him. 
   Why was I saying that I was the one turning him into a monster? Cause I was so afraid to hurt him even more after his dad's departure that I let him do whatever, say whatever, just so my baby would be alright, would feel loved and cherished by his mother who now has two roles to play.
    At present my little Kidzilla is trying to chase the KID away cause he doesn't like sharing his mom with another man...I find myself again in a situation I thought almost impossible in my life: that of teaching my 4 and a half year old child that I can never love someone else more than him, this someone else being another man other than his father. But how can I make a 4 year old understand this? How can I make my child understand that I, like his father, need somebody in my life and this somebody can only be..the KID? 
     It is unbelievable but I feel that my train could have never stopped in a better station than the KID's.

    Somehow he made me break my NO MAN WILL SEE MY CHILD EVER rule. I was hoping my son would scare him off, but Kidzilla failed to do so this time.    
    However, Kidzilla is challenging me now more than ever cause I dared bring another man in my life. Yes, he has no problem with Bob's Bitch, but he's got a huge one with Mom's new man cause the latter dared explain him a thing or two about good behaviours on 4 year olds. Like :listen to your mom, don't grab food from your plate with your hands etc.
 I was on my way, running away from everything with the speed of sound, but somehow, this KID turned out to be just a bit faster than me, enough to stop least for a while.

September 1, 2013

My name is not Bob

    How much of ourselves disappears in the love process? How much do we change when in love or out of love, or, worse, heartbroken? Do we even realize that we're changing? 
I for one, never thought I could be capable of change. But still...
    In the last month, I have looked at me, the KID, BOB (not even worth mentioning the Bitch, cause...exactly:) she brings nothing to all this). This trio creates an image that is not ready to leave too soon: it's the image of mirrors. Cause I've been hiding an ugly truth from myself: I have become Bob. You still don't get it? Let me explain.
    Right after Bob left, I started thinking that I would never let anyone else in my life again. I promised myself not to get hurt anymore. I swore that the word love would no longer be a part of my vocabulary when referring to romantic love. Well...that was a bunch of shit, cause only three and a half months later, I found someone...or better yet...someone found me.
   During those three months, I was a ghost; at some point, my neighbor even asked me if I had been home during winter, cause she had not seen any movement around the house. It was the winter of my heartache, with me and my baby suffering in silence in a house that we had once called HOME. 
   Out of nowhere, a 23 year old appeared and lifted me off the ground. He let me do anything, say anything that crossed my mind. The nicer he was, the worse I would become. Little by little, he created a monster. Whenever we fought, I would become a sort of Hulk that would sweep the floor with his ego. Little by little, I started acting as I never dared in the past, as I was never allowed to in the past. Little by little, I started punishing my poor KID, just like Bob did with me. 
   One night, one fight later, he tried to come make peace with me and I started throwing things at him, around him, all over. 

It was damn strange cause, while he let me do this, what I felt was such crazy passion for him, I felt like I had created the perfect sex scene without even trying (nothing happened, rest assured). While I was the incredible Hulk, I felt myself looking at me from the outside do all those crazy things I could never do with Bob. It felt so liberating, I felt so powerful. Minutes later, I felt like shit seeing the KID so horrified, trying to imagine what could cross his little mind about me, the one that he seems to see in a certain way, a very good way, a way I could never ever see myself.
   Poor him! He was only trying to end the fight, to make things better, kiss and make it better so to speak...He was punished for that. Just like I used to be. He later tried to touch me and there I was again, screaming, mocking him and telling him how wrong he was to think I would forgive and forget so easily (I usually am this person).
  Nothing scares him! so far, at least! No matter how much I push him away, no matter how mean I am to him, he keeps coming back for more. Exactly the same I used to do. 
  My one innocent question would be: WHY? Are we all masochists? Why go back for more to someone who does nothing but hurt us? Why do we continue to care?  
    What I can say from my own experience is that, everytime me and Bob fought, he was damn cold (and he could stay like that for days if he wanted to) and I could see him take his distance. Since I was so in love, all I wished for was to get him back; I didn't care about any lesson, I didn't want to hear about leaving him alone. My one and only desire was to have him in my arms, to be in his heart again, at all costs. So I would try and try, until I would make things worse for him. But how is that possible? How can you be cold when seeing that the person you're supposed to love is trying so hard to make you laugh again? I could never understand that...And I could not understand how I could make the KID go through the same things I once did.
      One sad night I realized that I was repeating history, but this time I am playing another role; this time I am the master of the game. Someone else cares more than me, someone else does more than me, for me..and all I did was use this against him. That night I felt like...Bob, that night I looked in the mirror and saw Bob looking back at me.
      But did I really feel better? NO. the answer is a big NO. The only reason why I realized it was cause I am not at all this kind of person; I don't usually play with people's feelings, I don't ask myself if nor do I search ways to be the leader in the relationship. I always believed that, in a relationship, partners should be equals, each of them giving the same amount of love, affection, attention, tenderness, respect.  
   I never had such a relationship; now, a 23 year old is actually trying to teach ME that this could be possible. Really??? He expects of me the same things I innocently wanted and wished for in my previous relationships. And what do I do? The only reasonable thing I could think of: mock him, of course. Just like Bob used to do.
   Sometimes, I tell myself that I am not ready for all this, that I wasn't thinking the moment I took the taxi that night. 
    That taxi ride brought me to such new feelings, emotions, sensations, experiences. That taxi ride took me to the one who made me live the passion I always dreamed of. I cannot imagine letting this young man teach me anything about relationships. But what I know is that I am damn curious, so I'll stick around a bit more to see what happens.