April 21, 2013

shall we go see a ...shrink?

          Even though I never thought this possible, there I was today, holding my phone in one hand and my son in the other, looking for psychiatric help. Well...it was about time, you'll all say. Yes indeed and this time the doc is not a gorgeous thirtysomething guy. damn it!
it 's bad enough that ever since the break up, all I did was talk, talk, talk (honestly, I hope all the people I know are aware of all the details, cause I can't take it anymore repeating the same story over and over again). Now I have to continue talking and pay for that...literally:)
         last night I dreamt of him...finally. 3 months after we broke up it finally happened. he was telling me that his newly found freedom was not what he expected and that the bitch spent too much money.
Just to prove me that my dream means absolutely NOTHING, HE is taking his beloved BITCH to France. Moreover, during the same period HE took me when we first started to be together. Isn't that sweet? this screams originality:) I bitch about this, but it hurts like hell. 
how am I to advise anyone about heartbreak when 3 and a half months later I'm still shocked at every little shit HE does.
     anywaaaaaay...back to the shrink. One piece of good news she gives me: my son is not traumatized. One piece of bad news: I am. HA? wait! I knew that! How much did you say I had to pay to find this out? I actually expected her to say she had a magical potion that I had to drink and the pain would go away. Well, the effect is visible after 3 to 6 years, but still...
Come to think of it, what have I actually learned from this breakup that could help me or others in the future? 
     Well, first of all, I learned that love is all about making sure the other feels it. As a curiosity, I still don't understand what people mean when they say: "I love you so much it hurts". What the hell does that mean? Why does it hurt if you're still with that person? Love only hurts when it's gone. 
    I ask myself: what is it exactly that causes us pain? the fact that we lose the object of our love (HIM or HER) or losing the feeling of LOVE? For now, in my case, it's losing HIM and everything HE represented in my life that make my heart and soul die a little every day.  All the things he did for me, with me, his presence, his skin, his smile, his arms, his kiss, the comfort he gave me, his touch, his hand in mine, him with me playing with our son, and the list of painful things can continue.
      I learned that what I thought he knew about my love was completely wrong. I was always sure that the things I did or didn't do were enough for my beloved, that I knew HOW to love...I always saw things from my perspective, but I don't ever recall asking HIM: how do you want to be loved? how can I show you? Maybe Jerry Maguire was on to something when he kept saying: "Help me help you!" Well, maybe I should have said: "Help me help you be loved as you want! Help me to never need a shrink to get over you!"

     I also learned that, in order to survive, a flirt with a 20 something guy was just what I needed to get my mind off the hurting, off the bastard, off the fact that HE is taking the bitch to the same places he once took me, off the fact that HIS love is long gone.
    Flirting with a 20 something has its downsides though: I am a 31 year old woman and I do things the YOUNG people style. I have been lured into a never ending emailing universe that keeps me up until 2 -3 even 4 o'clock in the morning. Now I realize: in terms of sleep, there is no difference between the first month after the heartbreak and the first days of virtual flirting. I get the same amount of sleep, and that is a couple of hours, if I'm lucky...but daaaamn I love it

April 9, 2013

Love me for who I am...

We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love. – And it’s Freud who said it, not me! Sooooo, simple mathematics give: in order to avoid being hurt, do NOT get emotionally attached.  Question: does that apply when you love yourself? :)
Now, back to SUFFERVILLE…
       One nervous breakdown, one rush to the hospital (no flirting with the surgeon this time), one NO, I DO NOT WANT A PERFUSION phrase to the nurse, one crying and breaking things episode later, I find (for the 90th time) that I am not at all what and who I thought I was.  Three months ago when SHIT (no, I am not referring to HIM…even though it would be a great start in my healing process) came at my door and said: hey, I should teach you a thing or two about life, I thought I was a strong woman, capable of doing almost anything (but not pass a driving license exam), knowing a bit about good relationships and who was living the perfect love story (weeeeeeeeeeelllll).
    Now the only thing that’s left is that I am a woman (no doubt about that). I have actually become one of those women I thought I hated; you know, the kind that cries over a man for ages, who won’t go on with their lives because they love HIM, even though their man cheated and lied (this is all the bad stuff I can think of right now). Aaawwww! Isn’t that sweet? NO, IT’S NOT! 
      From the outside, it all seems so easy: come on, it’s just a guy who hurt you. How can you still love him or want to be with him after all he did to you? If I were in your shoes, I would erase his number from my phone and just forget I ever met him”. Riiiighhht! When it’s you on the bathroom floor crying your heart out and looking online for magical FORGET HE EVER EXISTED tips, it’s everything but easy. 
     Try to explain this to the next idiot who tries to cheer you up: how the walls are falling down on you the moment you open your eyes in the morning, how you feel like having a thousand knives stuck in your heart when going to work and seeing him/her there smiling to someone else, how you carry the world on your shoulders but feel like a wounded Atlas, how good it would be if waking up in the morning the next day was optional.
     It seems that I, for one, am not capable of learning anything from other people’s life experiences. As long as I don’t hit the glass wall on my own, I will ignore everyone warning me there is one in front. You get my point, right? I’ve seen stuff on TV and read articles about women who found themselves in very difficult situations and went: “oh, that’s terrible! Poor thing, her husband took off with another woman after 10 years of marriage, he left her alone with their two kids and she has no job. And they were the picture perfect family. Who would have thought?”  
    Two seconds later I’m thinking: “This is not going to happen to me. My guy would never do something like that. My home is safe; my relationship is based on love and it’s going (almost) great.”  I’ve got one word for those who say that: BULLSHIT! Well, the one thing I learned so far is : NEVER SAY NEVER. It’s a cliché, but SHIT can happen to the best of us.
  I am not teaching anyone to live in fear that everything around may fall apart at one point, just…be prepared for anything! My mistake throughout the years was the fact that I had never ever ever ever even envisioned that the love of my life would ever leave me or our family no matter what; no matter how hard the situation seemed to be, I thought our love was strong enough to overcome the "little things" that, unfortunately, in the end mattered.
 I loved an article I read recently; it convinced me of something I already believed in. Briefly, it said that, instead of trying to change the person we’re with, we should first try to understand his or her fears, faults and frailties and then become an ally and help the person we love “grow from all his or her negative and positive experiences. When you can grasp all this, you simply stop judging your mate and begin loving and caring for him or her for who he or she is, and not what you want them to be.”  
  (Read more at http://www.infobarrel.com/Couples_Know_More_About_Your_Mate_Than_You_Ever_Thought_Possible#S7OfWllrk4lfGSc6.99)

April 7, 2013

The theory of happiness according to Wilde

It seems, there are 2 options left for me:
#1 - fall into depression - this is what my psyche has been babbling about  all day (Uuuuhhhh I wanna cry, uuuhhhh I don't wanna go back to that horrible place called WORK, uuuhhh I can't sleep...OOOOHHHHH JUST SHUT UP!)
#2 - ask the doctor out - this is what my friend has been babbling about on the phone for almost an hour (she is as bad as my psyche:))
Well...decisions...decisions. I'll take the depression, thank you. It's a sure thing, so I won't be disappointed. The doctor, on the other hand, can say NO. Even though, it's not very likely for a guy to turn down sex, especially when it's NO STRINGS ATTACHED, but who knows. Moreover, I don't even know how dating works. It's bad enough that last time I saw him and we tried to flirt,  I was clumsy as hell  (maybe because I had THE MRS. aka my vagina, half naked).

       And since I chose depression, I do have one "depressing" question: is it really mandatory to have problems in our life? Does not having them make us less human? Or less lovable? Or abnormal? It seems the answer is YES in my case. I'll explain why.
My life has always been without problems - up until 3  months ago, most things happened the way I wanted and good came my way easily. I always thought I didn't deserve any of that, precisely because I felt I hadn't done anything for it. I kept telling myself that one day I would "pay" for this, that one day, LIFE would drop a bomb...and it did. I met HIM, I wanted HIM to love me and it happened, I wanted HIM to wish to have a baby with me and it happened also, I wanted HIM to buy me a diamond ring (diamonds are a girl's best friends, right?) and HE did, I wanted HIM to grow old with me and...well...that's where LIFE happened. 

     The law of attraction says that "like attracts like" and that you attract what you think about. I am now starting to believe this: I was negative thinking I didn't deserve anything of what my life meant before THE END OF US. What have I learned from this? Would I make the same mistake if ever I was stupid enough to let someone in my life again? Do we really learn from our mistakes when it comes to love? How many times do we need to make the same mistake before we actually learn something? 
I keep saying to myself and everyone else around me that I will never have another relationship again since the last one left a scar for life. And NO, I have NOT given up SEX, nor will I ever! I just don't want the things...around it.

What's sad is that HE said he didn't feel LOVED (at least towards THE END)!!! I don't know if I could have loved HIM more! I loved HIM so much. And I love HIM still (despite all the shit he's been doing to me lately).
    This is something I will never ever understand: why do we lose reason when we love someone? If everything was to function correctly, we would be able to see things the way they really are (without psychiatrical help or medication for that matter), we would be able to analyze it all and say: HIM who?  Wouldn't that be great? It would be great if we had an ON/OFF LOVE button:)) Yeah, I know! Me and my ideas (love button, love remover...love shit)!

"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her" - Oscar Wilde 

This man had it all right : love means unhappiness. The bigger the misery, the greater the love. I should show HIM this theory. We were both miserable..at least towards THE END - it means the love was still there. Now, the problem is that I am the only one left miserable and he seems to be happy with the B#TCH. See my point?

April 6, 2013

the Love Remover - part 3

   Why the hell isn't this over yet? For some reason, just out of nowhere (well, you'll see it's not quite out of nowhere), I'm back to a shitty state of mind. Must be because of my mother! Since the breakup, she has developed a talent of making me talk about HIM. 
     Sometimes she makes me think of someone who's just trying to get some dirty inside info from me (like a tabloid) just so she could then have a subject to discuss with the people she knows :) I know! I am reaaaaally being a bad daughter, but come on! It's bad enough that I'm unstable (well, that's what most psychiatrists would say, I'm sure), but do I really need to be constantly reminded that HE is no longer here? 

    Take my advice: whatever you do, do NOT bring your parents into your life more than necessary when you suffer after a breakup. Trust me, this is an FGI: FAKE GOOD IDEA!

       and then there' s my father, who cannot...I repeat: CANNOT stop talking about HIM as if HE were the only person who could do anything around here: "HE knows how to copy my pictures on a CD, you don't, right?" or "I'll drink whisky and cola, this is what HE liked, right?". OH! MY! GOD! I thought I was the one who had a hard time letting go, now I think I have to provide psychological counselling to my parents.

  Ever since my mother and father came to stay with me and help after my surgery, I have one more issue: my 4 year old son is exposed to my father's bad language. Thank God (or better yet, Thank ME), my baby is the greatest (don't all mothers say the same?) and he warns my father everytime the old man breaks the law, so to speak...the law of NO BAD WORDS (at least until he turns..I don't know...7?)

   When you suddenly become a single parent, you realize how hard it actually is when you come accross situations when you need your + 1. In my case, the most recent - APPENDIX AND HOSPITAL. And the pain and memories come back, but maybe not for long, thanks to the "good" doctor I met and who's been feeding my imagination lately, especially during nights (he'll be lucky number...well, let's keep that a secret, shall we? a lady never tells). So let's have some coffee and go to sleep.

April 5, 2013

Love Remover - part 2

There are several things that define me, among which one of the most important is that: I. LOVE. COFFEE! I drink about 10 – 15 cups a day, every day! I drink coffee to wake up, I drink it once I’m awake, when I’m at work (believe it or not I don’t make a living writing …yet:)), when I come back from work, before I eat (yes, you read it right…BEFORE), before I go to sleep. The only time I don’t drink coffee is when I sleep. And during sex.
Now…about yesterday evening….

      3 hours since he left this evening (baby visit day) and I am ...numb. I don't feel the need to drink to forget (actually I do, but only because I've had my parents home with me since last Thursday...and now it's Thursday again...see why?:))  
       He's not making things any easier on me: although he's in his 40's, he looks like a 30 something man. He's got a new tattoo, he's trying to be in shape by going to the gym, he bought himself a necklace (very nice by the way)...well, let's not forget he's got a 20 something b#tch next to him and he's gotta look his best, right? 
   Since the breakup we both lost weight; I lost 10 kilos (22 lbs, that is:)) by not eating at all for 10 days (not kidding at all) and I never looked better! Thank you, love! Now, the downside is that, once the "I want to die" period was over and I finally began eating again, I started to put on weight with the speed of sound. 3 months later, it is impossible for me to go back to NOT EATING AT ALL. I’ve become a normal woman again, one of those who is on a diet, who wants to lose weight and she  struggles, and she goes to the gym, and then she rewards herself with a chocolate cookie and then she feels guilty and she starts everything all over again.
  The human body has this amazing ability to fight for itself; mine is now punishing me for not feeding it for such a long period of time by making me eat lots of crap: junk food, chocolate cookies, chocolate cereals, crackers…in the end, the heartbreak helped me get back the figure I lost when I was 12.
     Yesterday we “celebrated” 3 months since he came home and said he wanted out of our …family. We haven’t done anything special:) I came across an email I sent him a month after the END, when the pain was excruciating:
f#ck you for hurting me so much, for making my life a living hell
         for making me waste my nights crying instead of sleeping
         for making me afraid of love
         for making me love you more than I love myself and not even care
         for sleeping with another woman
         for living with another
         for kissing another
         for holding another
         for touching another the same way you used to touch me
         for leaving me
         for lying to me
         for making me listen to f#%king Adele's SET FIRE TO THE RAIN over and over again and crying each time
          for the moments when you are so cold that I feel like I was on f#%king NORTH POLE
          for when you tell me YOU LOVE ME
          for when you tell me YOU DON'T LOVE ME
          for making me hate food
         for making me want nobody BUT YOU
         for leaving me WITHOUT YOU in a house full of OUR MEMORIES
         for making me believe we were meant to be FOREVER
            for leaving me in a house FULL OF YOU
            for smiling to another
           for looking at another the same way you used to look at me
           for being the LOVE OF MY LIFE “

To be continued…

April 4, 2013

The Love Remover

Finally...after all this time (I'm saying this as if it meant dog years) it took half an hour after I woke up to think of HIM. Usually he's there from the second I open my eyes. Another victory for my EX significant other. Can I even say this? :)
   Maybe I am just over-reacting...everyone keeps telling me to get on with my life. OK! I agree, I say. Now what? During the first 2 months, I used every opportunity I had to get him back. Come to think of it, I have done everything except selling my soul to the Devil. 
      Well...what soul? I am lying to myself and my friends saying that, after all the misery he puts me through (cause this is continuous work for him), I would think twice about taking him back if that were ever the case. This would be true in a world where both physical and psychological monogamy existed, pigs flew and I gave up sex and coffee for ever. Yes, I enjoy coffee and sex (not at the same time), but who doesn't?
   I broke every rule of breakup...and I'm still doing it, wondering WHEN IS THIS GONNA END? When will it stop hurting? Why is everyone saying I need someone else in order to get rid of the pain? Why do I have to stop talking to him? 
     Why am I asking so many questions? It's surely the lack of physical contact that makes my mind go wild. The only physical contact I had lately was with the surgeon who touched my belly to see if I felt any pain after removing my appendix almost a week ago (has it really been that long?). 34 year old surgeon, by the way...and cute. Oh God! It sounds like a scene from SEX AND THE CITY, doesn't it? And just because I am hurting and heartbroken, it doesn't mean I have suddenly become blind. I am going for a check up in 2 hours from now. 
  Anyway, how many of you stopped having any kind of contact with the one you loved once you got dumped? In an ideal world, there should be some kind of machine that removes the love you still have for the other when you get dumped. Like: "I need to get my freedom back cause you haven't done things for me in the past ...let's say...8 years." I would say: "Sure, let me get the Love Remover". And bang! 2 minutes later we would have sex, like normal people.

 Soooo...few hours and a flirt with the doctor later, I can honestly say: I have completely lost my flirting mojo! This is what an 8 year (or longer) relationship does to people. There is however one great thing: I am focusing on writing (ok, it's about HIM, but this is just a small detail) rather than remembering stuff from the past. Well..almost, cause on the way to the hospital, I got on a street where we used to go with our bykes with our baby...and even the sight of that street made me shiver.

   I think there could be a cure to this: we (the dumped and left heartbroken and scarred for life...somebody stop me) should do ALONE at least once all the things we ever did with the one we loved so much and meant the world to us. For example: if you ever tried sky diving together (it's just an example), try doing this alone if the sight of a plane or parachute makes your heart cry. I mentioned the parachute cause some of us may think of ...well...leave it somewhere or consider it useless at a certain moment. But let's not forget that the purpose of everything is a cure, not additional fees for the family:))
    I used the word "cure" cause I sincerely believe that heartbreak is illness; and they say that getting better entirely depends on each and every one of us and we have to find our own medicine, but I don't believe that. Cause no matter how hard you try by any means possible, it will not go away...

April 3, 2013

Another day spent trying to hate my EX

        Ok, so, as I said, it's been 3 months since he left, 3 months of continuous agony. And it doesn't seem to get better. That thing about time healing everything...right! 
     I've got one thing to say: are we there yet? What am I supposed to do during this ...time?  Anyone who knows me is aware of one very important thing: PATIENCE is not one of my virtues.
       Soooooo...when even holding a magazine in my hands makes me cry, I ask myself: is this normal? Am I in the right mind? I mean...come on! A magazine? It's not like I was holding HIS favorite one in my hands; it's just one of those things you look at when you're on the toilet, where the articles you read don't ask too much of your brain. You know! Stuff like: What to wear on your first date (take my advice: NOTHING!) OR What to do to please your man (I've got one idea: LEAVE HIM ALONE:)). 
    Have you ever noticed how these magazines FOR WOMEN are actually FOR MEN (I mean...to their benefit)? None of them teaches you, as a woman, how to please yourself! Or do something for yourself! God forbid! No! Everything turns around this GOD that has arrived on Earth to make us WOMEN miserable:) I just remembered something I heard during a stand up comedy show! It said: "I am sure that waxing was invented by a guy just to win some quality time (alone) for the men!"
No! I am not a feminist! I am just someone who decided to use men from now on since one of these GODS has broken my heart for ever.
Ok, so no more superficial magazines for me!
      One of the things that always makes me feel good though is rain. Wait! Did I say ALWAYS? Daaaamn! another thing HE ruined for me. Cause now I remember all those times we spent in bed doing...things while it was raining. 
Well, I guess now I should be like most people and NOT like it when it rains.
      During the first 2 months after the breakup we continued to have sex, and games, and passion. No strings attached! Not that a child would mean anything :) Does it? (I'm kidding:) So, almost each time he came home to see the baby, I would put on a white t-shirt (nothing under, of course) or something that before (the breakup) I found to be too much to wear in the house, and I made sure that during the 2 hours he stayed, his playful twin (yes, I am talking about his reproductive organ) and himself were both interested in playing with me (very bad mother, you will all say). 
    And I am sure you all have a ripped t-shirt or another piece of clothing you take the garbage out with, something us girls would find a complete turn off, but which men find to be the sexiest ever. This kind of t-shirts I am talking about ;)
Did I mention he had someone else at the time and I knew about her? Aaahhhh...details...details
    For some time I became THE OTHER WOMAN! Imagine that! And one day I even helped him hide the marks (from the B#%CH, as I like to call her) I left on his back during...you know ;) We got carried away (ok, I got carried away)...
    I wouldn't say it has been the standard breakup behavior (if there is such a thing), but looking back at how things have evolved, I can say one thing: it doesn't make it less painful. On the contrary...
     So, one thing we all must learn from my stupid stupid actions: DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOUR EX! Unless of course it's been forever since you last saw anyone naked in your bedroom besides yourself and your body is telling you that some parts of it need special attention!
     One more of the "joys" of my breakup is that I see my ex's new girlfriend at work! Yes, I already thought about pushing her down the stairs...at least 100 times. Still thinking...The strange thing however is that I have no such thoughts about the father of my child. I do feel the need to hate him, but it seems he hasn't hurt me enough to "deserve" this. Well, maybe I should encourage him to do more: why not marry the B#%CH? It's only been 3 months since OUR breakup, they've been together for 4! yes! you read it right! And our relationship "only" lasted for 8 years! I'd say it's good enough reason...NOT:)

to be continued....feel free to leave your advice or share your own experience and ideas

just find a way to smile..

what happened if we tried to really analyze all those things that teach us how to act when facing a breakup, when being left by the person we thought to be THE ONE? most of us would realize that the best thing is finding our own ways to mend our broken hearts

       just find your way to a smile
    In a world where we are constantly exposed to the idea of the couple, how can we really survive when we are facing a breakup shock? How can we go on with our lives when the person we adore says good bye just like that? Can we really focus on our own self instead of seeking love and emotions through others, instead of going on this quest for the one?

      I am currently going through a situation like this; he came home one unfortunate Friday evening 3 months ago and he serenely said he wanted to get his freedom back. And that's it! The 8 years we spent together building a relationship and a baby were thrown to the garbage in a matter of seconds. 

     How can I go on when minutes earlier I was living under the impression that my relationship was safe, that nothing could touch it, that we could have overcome anything? And, the cherry on top is that, few days after my shock, when I thought it was hard on him too and he was also hurting, I find out that he was actually "hurting" before we officially broke up accompanied by a work colleague (or THE B...H as me and my friends call her now), who is 6 years younger than I am (I am 31 by the way), with a child and about to divorce. Isn't life wonderful?

I heard that life as a couple meant good times and bad times, but I had only lived the good ones. I had lived under the impression that our little fights we had had (just like any other couple, I used to say) were insignificant compared to the love that came back each time, to the moments he held me and said I love you, you correspond to me, to the moments when he did so many little things that mattered so much and that constantly showed me his silent I love you's.

When everything around you is falling apart, how can you really put yourself together and go on like everybody says? If you've ever gone through the same thing I am now, you know damn well that NOTHING really helps.
So what can we do?
1. Try talking to everybody about the things you are going through (people you know, complete strangers, friends - those that stay despite the crying and depression will be called heroes at the end of this "adventure", work colleagues, including THE B...H cause you have no idea what is actually going on behind your back) and you get lines like: "you know there are people in situations that are much worse than yours.
You are not the first or the last person that goes through a breakup, so get on with your life! You are young and you will find someone else soon. It's good it happened now!"
My answer to this: you can all go hug a tree or do something that won't require using your brains. I am thinking about becoming a single girl for life.

2. Read online articles about how to overcome a breakup - completely useless for me personally because all the articles talk about how much good the no contact rule will do you, something like radio silence.
My answer to this: how can I possibly cut contact with the one I have a child with and in whose house I live in? Yeah, I forgot to mention that, despite the fact that the house is in both our names, I am the one who stayed. At least one thing that will make the pain go away a little. Or NOT, since our wonderful house is full of pictures of Us (that I broke of course), but moreover, the house is full of Us.
He comes home pretty often to see our baby, I see him every day at work and even if I don't see him, I know he's in the building. So the no contact rule does not work for me.

3. Read online articles about how to get your ex back - that of course, if you're depressed like me. I read and I hope, I read and I believe everything. The articles mostly talk about how to ignore your ex and show you are a strong person, just to show them what they lost.
My answer to this: Right! I guess I should get off the floor first in order to do that right? Instruction manual, please!

4. Avoid any thing that reminds you of your loved one or the relationship you had - that, in my case would mean just about everything.
Where should I start? First there's a commercial for holiday packages that instantly makes me remember our own vacations and, him, of course.

Then there's a song from an expert in broken hearts called Adele that makes me live everything all over again aaaand I want to fall into a deep sleep (I am starting to believe the theory according to which pain is measured on a scale from 0 to Adele).

Then there's going to the park with my baby - the park makes me cry instantly and makes me live something "great" called panic attack just because I see other families that have at least 3 members among which 2 are the parents or couples where he looks into her eyes deeply in love, she does more or less the same, then they kiss and hug. Bleah!

My answer to this: try digging a hole and get in for a while or find any other space that is not bigger than 4 square meters and from where there is no way out for at least a year. The alternative to this would be watching Miranda, a great British sitcom about a single girl; trust me: nothing to do with Carrie Bradshaw!

In the end, 3 months after my shock I can honestly say that it's getting even harder.

But maybe it's true what they say: it's gotta get worse before it gets better. And who knows: it's probably the first few years that are more difficult. And who was the intelligent one who said that the mourning period lasts half of the time the relationship did? In this case, there are only 3 years, 9 months and 4 days left for me. 

So all I can do is