May 18, 2013

what the hell just happened?:)

"Sucker love is Heaven sent
You pucker up, our passion's spent
My hearts a tart, your body's rent
My body's broken, yours is bent
Carve your name into my arm
Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed

Like the naked leads the blind I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind  
Sucker love I always find Someone to bruise and leaves behind /All alone in space and time /There's nothing here but what here's mine"

     It's been almost a month since I 've been asking myself what is going on with me. My mother (who hasn't helped me at all throughout those terrible times when BOB left me, moreover, she made me fall into depression even more) says I'm living the period I haven't lived when I was a 20something girl. 
    Aaaaaannnd news flash: the KID is actually 23! GOD! I might be taken in for child abuse:) aaannnddd another news flash: I may have done some other stupid things! or better yet: more innocent than usual;) I feel like Samantha from Sex&the city.
   today, BOB came back from his holiday with the bitch. I felt nothing. Actually, I did feel something: at some point while he was in my office, I looked at him closely and, for a second, I found him ...a changed man. I am talking about a physical change: I actually saw that man he is so afraid of: a 43 year old. I asked myself : what the hell was I thinking about a month ago? It is true that love makes us stupid. And blind! How could I not see that this man was walking all over me?
   And now, when I am actually strong enough to face him with anything, he is still thinking that I am in denial. Who's in denial, darling? :) 
   I am struggling to understand what is psychologically going on with me; how is it possible to go from heart and body consuming love to absolute nothing? What would Freud say about this?

   Well, I don't think Freud would agree on the fact that the bitch and me are speaking...well, texting! yes! I am that mature! nah nah nah nah nah! Next step on the agenda: invite her and Bob over for dinner.  Well...maybeeeeee NOT! Her brain must have been toasted from all that sun she had during her holiday. I cannot believe that 4 months later I am at this stage of ...I don't even know how to call it. there must be a word for this, but maybe my brain is as fried as the bitch's.

    I am actually starting to convince myself that the problem lies in me, that it is too early to be acting this cool. This must actually be a symptom of the very deep depression that never left me, right? Cause I have no other explanation for why I am now in this phase of I DO NOT CARE, I NO LONGER WISH TO TOUCH YOU, BOB, I THINK YOU ARE GETTING OLDER, BOB, I FINALLY HAVE EYES TO SEE YOU AS YOU REALLY, TRULY ARE.

    This is my own proof that everything is relative; I have now come to understand this. I would have sworn that my love for BOB was something real, that could have almost been touched and felt physically, something that existed in me, that had a physical place somewhere in ME (my head or another part). But now, I ask myself something else: is it ME that changed or is it BOB? Has he always been like this? Has he always been a cold hearted bastard and was it me who turned him into this warm, kind man ? Have I really been that helpless while being with him?
    I have been fighting against those changes that BOB used to ask me to make. I don't know if I don't want to make them cause I am that lazy or because I still feel that it is BOB who is asking them. Maybe that I realized that every change that happens in me or with me should be my own decision, and not someone else's, especially of a cold hearted bastard who broke me every time I gave him the occasion to do it.
    And YES! I am saying it right! I was the one who was loading his gun with bullets; all he had to do is SHOOT. But now, I am finally turning the gun towards him.
   What I see now from the outside is that he's becoming happy or pleased with his current life - he may have accepted that the bitch will be the woman who will be by his side until he's ...50! cause, for some reason, it seems more and more possible that this relationship will not live to match mine and Bob's in terms of longevity.
   yesterday I confessed to Bob that I was having fun with a 23 year old. The first words that came out of his mouth were: "you know you can't have a real relationship with someone this young, don't you?" No shit. And what have you been doing, my darling? are you gonna tell me that your 43 with the bitch's 25 are discussing world politics and how to cure cancer together? have 2 brilliant minds finally found each other?
   It's really funny how me and the love of my life are now talking about our relationships (well, what I have with the KID cannot really be called a relationship) with our twenty-somethings.
   I would love to know if Bob's love was already gone when he left home, if he felt like I do now (about him) when he left me alone with a death wish.
   I have a new rule: NO FEELINGS. But even though the pain I was feeling a month ago was excruciating, I don't know if I'm really built like that. Can painful events really change who we are? some call them LIFE CHANGING and I think this is it: events can be life changing, but not people changing. We can change our perspective on things, but in the end, our soul is not touched. At least, this is what I feel about myself. Because, even though I promised myself not to get emotionally involved, I can't say I am completely insensitive to the KID.
    Or maybe it's just a physical reaction to other physical...things. I read that when we do nothing but think of the "other" all the time, it is actually an OCD reaction. Thus love is illness.


  1. I find it funny when a broken heart or I-will-never-fall-in love-again heart feels the danger of falling in love, and pulls the curtains down, shuts the windows and locks the doors, and laughs to itself mumbling "I'm safe now".
    That's when I picture Life taking a sit aside and munching on popcorn and watching: the fight of that poor soul unaware of the battle it had already lost. Because the moment the heart becomes aware of the danger of blossoming love is the exact moment it already signed its death penalty.

  2. My dear Chloe, you are a master of words;) it seems that I have unfortunately this kind of heart, the kind that makes promises to itself and has a hard time keeping them when Life decides to ruin plans...but I could have sworn that after all that happened to me, I no longer had a heart...

  3. When I didn't received a Valentine's Card in Feb 2010 from my then husband, I knew it was over. I had feeling of being slapped across the face.It got too the point when I hated to be in the same room.I have remarried, and he is due to remarry in Aug.I have nothing whosever to do with him, my new husband deals with the old husband.Its going to be hard to get over him, but open your heart to the new love, and the old love will be forgotten. My motto for my ex-husband, I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire! xx

    1. Hi J R Palmer! Love your motto:) Somehow the KID had a way with me and made me forget all the pain the old brought. Unfortunately, I'm the one dealing with the ex. Maybe that's why I was over him that quickly ;)