" Yes doctor! You can look all you want, there is nothing left there!'
This is what I would tell a love doctor today, if there were such a thing;) I don't know if it's because of the KID as I call him or it was something else, but today I can honestly, freely say : THE LOVE IS EITHER GONE OR HIDDEN. And it only took 3 and a half months...and the KID..and Sade's "cherish the day" and a biiiiiiiig need for sex. A 2 months need, to be more exact. ok...a very big need for sex:)
Anyways, let's not waste time and truly say what's on my mind: well...nothing much lately, besides things like:
"Straight through your skin,
Pass your soul to your bones
Closer, longer, deeper
Further inside you, than you've ever known
The important thing is that my son healed earlier than I did, cause now, 4 months later, I can honestly say that I am cured. It has been a disease - I felt sick both physically and psychologicallyI am not saying that I'm glad this happened, but maybe this life wasn't meant for me; maybe I should live by myself and raise my baby alone just to learn how to be on my own two feet. Maybe I am meant for greater things than live next to a man who did everything FOR ME. I should learn to actually be an individual.
Psychologically I am still in his shadow; I was and I am still afraid of doing anything for fear I may disapoint BOB. FEAR! The word BOB hates so much in me! But NOTHING that concerns BOB touches me NOW! NOTHING! I FEEL NOTHING knowing he is on vacation with the BITCH, I FEEL NOTHING seeing the BITCH driving his car to work. All I am capable of doing is ask myself : HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? Have I suddenly been brainwashed? I would have felt it, right?I mean..with all the technology nowadays...
My life now means: love (for my baby), joy, friends, drink (occasionally), going out (occasionally), sex (occasionally - still as important, but not ready enough), friends again, playing.
And the kid is making me feel like ...like I can't think of anything else, but the way he makes me feel:) yeah, I am very coherent right now:) It all started with a ...pretext ;) He's constantly challenging me mentally and every time he's nearby, Mona gets crazy...and he's reaaaaaaally not my type at all...whatever that is;) I'm not sure I even have a type, but he really isn't it. And still... He calls me 3 NEURONS, I call him 1 NEURON. But sometimes, I'm preatty sure he's got more than I do. And what's even more interesting is that he's actually using them. I am terribly turned on by his intelligence, by the way he talks to me, by the way he has a line each time I have something to say. Sometimes it's like a TOM and JERRY scene..and he makes me laugh.
I cannot define this for now - and I don't know since when or how long this thing that cannot be defined is gonna last...but I AM SO ENJOYING THIS RIGHT NOW