May 7, 2013

Whatever Mona wants, Mona gets!

        " Yes doctor! You can look all you want, there is nothing left there!'
This is what I would tell a love doctor today, if there were such a thing;) I don't know if it's because of the KID as I call him or it was something else, but today I can honestly, freely say : THE LOVE IS EITHER GONE OR HIDDEN. And it only took 3 and a half months...and the KID..and Sade's "cherish the day" and a biiiiiiiig need for sex. A 2 months need, to be more exact. ok...a very big need for sex:)

      Anyways, let's not waste time and truly say what's on my mind: well...nothing much lately, besides things like:
"Straight through your skin,
Pass your soul to your bones
Closer, longer, deeper
Further inside you, than you've ever known  
Desperately trying to feel ya"

      And NO! these words are not meant for HIM:) For once! lately all I do is laugh:))) just like now, when I think about my dirty little secret. Cause you didn't think the laugh magically appeared out of nowhere, did you? Well, it kinda did, to be honest.  It started out with an email, it went on with another email and it got to ...Mona:) For those who don't know Mona, well, she can be found between my legs. Lately she has been yelling that she couldn't take the depression anymore. Cause the depression has been obviously affecting her a lot. and trust me: you do NOT want to mess with Mona! 
       Whatever Mona wants, Mona gets! GOD! I sound as if I were talking about my alter ego. I am actually:) I only wish she had taken control sooner, when I had those nasty thoughts about throwing myself in that river I passed by every day on my way to that horrible place I call work. 
No matter what it is, whether it's Mona or my own self, I am truly grateful for not having committed  this fatal error (at my work place, a fatal error will cost you a lot of money). Cause now I would have a very unhappy and traumatized baby and I'd be missing out on all these wonderful things that have been happening to me.  The problem is that, the negative side of me keeps talking : BEWARE! SOMETHING BAD IS GONNA HAPPEN! 
But NO! I refuse to believe this. After all the freakin' pain, it's his turn, right? we should take turns: first that was me, now it's him.

     Last week I spent a lot of time acting crazy. I think the correct thing to say would be: I did NOT act my age. I was so turned on that I could have had sex on the street if that were possible. Yes ! I am THAT desperate. This guy completely turned my head and he's rocking my world. Damn! It should have been the other way around. I even warned him not to trust me, but I DIDN'T LISTEN!:)))

       Aaaaaaand coming back to HIM, that freaking bastard who broke my heart that we will call BOB from now on...well...he's trying to make me rebuild his relationship with our son. I don't think so, darling:) well..I'm just saying that, cause I've really tried since he asked me. The real problem lies in the fact that my son no longer asks about him, no longer wishes to call him, no longer wants to go to his apartment...nothing! He's happy when he sees him, but when he leaves, it's like BOB ceases to exist. Soooo, as a consequence, it has now become MY job to make my son want to talk to his dad. GOD!
The important thing is that my son healed earlier than I did, cause now, 4 months later, I can honestly say that I am cured. It has been a disease - I felt sick both physically and psychologically. And then suddenly, one morning, I woke up and said: what the hell have I turned into? 
   I guess there were two moments that defined the big comeback: first, the moment when a work colleague told me I was losing contact with myself and who I was. Second: when this 27 year old appeared out of nowhere and made my life beautiful again without me even asking for it. And all of a sudden, I felt strong, I felt light as a feather, I felt joy, I felt sexual, I felt power, I felt my own self, I felt..the need for sweets:) Cause falling out of depression meant starting to eat again, and not quite the healthiest food. 
      Ok, it must have been all the shit BOB made me go through, all the humiliation, all the hurting, all the pain, all the love he decided to throw away.

I still feel the guilt inside, I just no longer let it rule my life, I no longer allow BOB to act as if I was the one who cheated, as if I was the one who left our family, as if I was the one who didn't fight enough, as if I was the one who kissed my lover good bye, as if I was the one who stopped loving.

I am who I am - I no longer wish to hide myself from ME! I have made mistakes and paid for them! 
I was hurting so much that I thought only death would bring me the forgiveness I needed! 
I still need to forgive myself entirely for having lost the love of my life and my family; this day will come, I'm sure. But until then, I feel I am done crying (uuuuhhhh is this positive thinking I'm detecting here???). 

          Maybe you would wanna know how this happened; honestly I'd do too! I would really like to understand if indeed that moment of I'M DONE HURTING had arrived or if the young man has anything to do with my sudden change of mood and spirits. All I can say is that I recently lived some days laughing for just about anything, as if I were on drugs (actually, people at work are surely asking themselves whether I am either drinking or on drugs, or both, to make the pain go away). 

I had friends over and yes...there might have been a drink or two! OK, 4L of wine, but who's counting? For the very first time in 4 months, I feel alive again. For the very first time I feel that my life is really as it should be - WITHOUT pain. 

    I am not saying that I'm glad this happened, but maybe this life wasn't meant for me; maybe I should live by myself and raise my baby alone just to learn how to be on my own two feet. Maybe I am meant for greater things than live next to a man who did everything FOR ME. I should learn to actually be an individual.
  Psychologically I am still in his shadow; I was and I am still afraid of doing anything for fear I may disapoint BOB. FEAR!  The word BOB hates so much in me! But NOTHING that concerns BOB touches me NOW! NOTHING! I FEEL NOTHING knowing he is on vacation with the BITCH, I FEEL NOTHING seeing the BITCH driving his car to work. All I am capable of doing is ask myself : HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? Have I suddenly been brainwashed? I would have felt it, right?I mean..with all the technology nowadays...
 My life now means: love (for my baby), joy, friends, drink (occasionally), going out (occasionally), sex (occasionally - still as important, but not ready enough), friends again, playing.
     And the kid is making me feel like I can't think of anything else, but the way he makes me feel:) yeah, I am very coherent right now:) It all started with a ...pretext ;) He's constantly challenging me mentally and every time he's nearby, Mona gets crazy...and he's reaaaaaaally not my type at all...whatever that is;) I'm not sure I even have a type, but he really isn't it. And still... He calls me 3 NEURONS, I call him 1 NEURON. But sometimes, I'm preatty sure he's got more than I do. And what's even more interesting is that he's actually using them. I am terribly turned on by his intelligence, by the way he talks to me, by the way he has a line each time I have something to say.  Sometimes it's like a TOM and JERRY scene..and he makes me laugh.
    I cannot define this for now - and I don't know since when or how long this thing that cannot be defined is gonna last...but I AM SO ENJOYING THIS RIGHT NOW

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