June 2, 2013

From time to time, love will dig out its ugly head

    From time to time, love will dig out its ugly head. From time to time, I am reminded that, not long ago, I had a heart that was in such pain, that I thought only death could end. I am curious where has all the love gone.
   Yesterday I felt like a stranger next to Bob; it was like we had met somewhere, but could not really tell where. Should I be afraid of this? Or is it normal? Is this what we have come to? We are now talking as 2 grown ups about our current lives; I felt comfortable enough to confess that I was going out with a 23 year old and, I won't lie, but I really enjoyed seeing his reaction. I wonder if he feels anything; if he feels that he is losing his ownership over me, over everything that I ever meant to him.
  I am quite curious about this change in feelings between two people who once shared so much, who once shared a love so big that they decided to conceive.
  I thought that a child was the ultimate commitment. I strongly believed that, if two people who loved each other so much decided to have a child together, their love and relationship could never get more solid. I was so wrong. I am now convinced that couples should never have children if one of them loved the other less; cause at some point, one will abandon the couple, one way or another. Yes! I may be afraid a little too much of being abandoned! more than before! thank you, Bob! You make all those panic attacks worth while.
  He used to say that me panicing was one of the things he hated most, that he couldn't be with a  person like me; he said he was scared of me and of those moments when he saw me almost breathless and him completely helpless before me.
  I feel like I am becoming more and more addicted to the KID; this is totally unacceptable in my "new world", in the NO FEELINGS rule world. I cannot let a 23 year old run my life, my habits, my sex life, my mind, cause apparently he is. I myself am acting like a kid. Today when leaving work I made a tour of the neighbourhood with him - he was trying to take me in his arms and kiss me, I was (not really) trying to escape...and all these games cannot lead to anything good for me. I cannot let myself feel again. Although I do miss depression now that I weigh 60 kilos again. 
   Our hours spent on the phone doing nothing but contradicting each other have become hours when we talk about desire.
 Really? It has become quite obvious that I am really bad at this game. I cannot play if I like my opponent, and this time, I am freaking addicted to him. I like how he puts my mind at ease, but I hate how vulnerable he made me realize I actually am. Cause...surprise! I am not cured. I don't feel cured.  As I write, I am realizing how I can still be easily hurt. 
   Several days and visits later, I see that the one person who CANNOT hurt me is Bob; but I can't say he ain't trying though. He's now picking on just about everything. One of my favorite movies is One fine day, where the main characters are two divorcees. Bob thinks I should no longer like this movie, nor be able to watch it just because there are two people there who are separated and single. Really? that's the best you can do? Even though I said I didn't care, he said: I don't believe you. I don't care, I said. and, really Bob, I don't care.  
  I was more taken with texting the KID than listening to Bob's shit anyway. I surprised him staring at me several times. Since I no longer trust him, I wonder what he's after. Cause he can't be staring at me for nothing. 
   Again, I wonder where has all his love gone? When has it disappeared? Why? How could love just leave me and go set in someone else? 

The KID seems to be more and more attached, I am trying to be more and more detached, yet it's hard. We spend too much time together, he makes me laugh and he's trying really hard to become indispensable to me for my good mood and continuous laugh. 

 It seems this episode is taking longer - lot has happened since last time I published. Nowadays, the Bitch is sick and the thing I like most saying is : KARMA'S A BITCH! She wrote him today (while he was at home) that she was feverish, that she wasn't feeling well, and, for the first time, he ignored her and prefered to stay with our baby. He found himself saying out loud: "I had enough of sick people".
 I don't need to do anything ( I don't even know how nor am I capable) and things are just happening. I was in hell and back, they hurt me so much that I wanted to end it by dying and they did all this while I still had love in my heart. That's where my weakness was; this is what I can never forget. 
They say in every relationship, there's always one who loves more, there's always one who gives more and there's always ONE who really gets hurt. I was always that ONE. What can I possibly do to not be that ONE anymore,ever? Should I just stop loving? 
 Has this been enough for me? I had two great loves in my life - can I say this was enough? 
 I had a YOUTHFUL love, my first and I also lived the MATURE love - the love that gave me a baby. Maybe in order to be complete at the end of our lives, we should all live 3 loves : the young one, the mature one and the older/wiser one. At the end of this "adventure" we may be capable of knowing exactly what love is, what we need to build the ONE PERFECT LOVE.
  Bob came to see our baby today and, at some point he said: "ah maman, c'est bien d'etre a la maison!" So... from time to time, love will dig out its ugly head...

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