2025 is (not) gonna be my year

     To say that a lot has happened since my last post 4 years ago would be an understatement.
Just like the lives of many, mine too has been a rollercoaster of emotional and psychological shits.

    Well, where should I start? Are you ready? 

Get yourself a glass of something and maybe some snacks, cause we might be here for a while.

Confessions of a 40 something

I am now a 40 something woman. 

Yes, I am a walking middle aged crisis. 

I have survived (and still surviving) a narcissistic ex and a pandemic. 

Unfortunately, I am not aging like JLo, I'm gaining weight as I'm writing (ok, the chips I just ate might also have something to do with it), I feel wiser, but my behavior can still fool people into thinking I'm younger than I actually am, I possess a certain understanding of the world, but humans still manage to surprise me (and not in a good way).

Just like any other 40 something out there (no? oh well...) I am questioning all the decisions that I ever made since legally becoming an adult and trying to understand how I could be so stupid. 

Blaming my childhood trauma will only help for a moment cause once that moment is over, I slap myself into my own principle, that of believing that, once we become adults, we are responsible of fixing our own shit.

However, what I've seen is that, in order to fix shit, one should first be aware of it or have the intelligence and/or patience/ willingness to look at it when someone else is pointing to said

But here I am, opening Pandora's box of emotional (un)intelligence.

 

Oh teenager, why are thou'?

I am the mother of a teenage boy. Yep, that moment has come and Kidzilla is now a teenager who is testing me in every way possible. My teen is either the sweetest boy in the world or Satan - there is no in between and, unfortunately, I've come to know Satan pretty well lately. 

Every day I wonder if it's just the hormones, if it's me - maybe I messed him up or maybe it's his dad, or both. If this is just a phase, I cannot wait for it to end. He defines himself as the ultimate introvert, he dislikes people (but what human in their right mind doesn't), he spends his time in the virtual world called PS5 and comes out for food from time to time. 

On a good day, our interactions last for about half hour, during which we even laugh.

On a bad day, I breathe the wrong way and ruin his existence.

On/OFF/On/OFF

My relationshit has turned to dust or to put it more delicately : IT'S COMPLICATED. 

I've come to the realization that I had loved the man I thought he could become, that fantasy he would turn into reality only for a second, to give me a taste of what could be. 

And he may have done the same.

I've changed, he changed...ish, my change and his change don't play well together and it's now the battle of the wounded and traumatized inner kids that only one of us is actually acknowledging. 

I guess this is what happens to most couples that have been together for 10+ years. No? Oh well...

We'll live and see, said the blind.

I'm a writer, aren't I?

I finished my novel. Yes! The book that took 10 years of my life and underwent a few rewrites is finally finished!

No, I am not a published author...dare I say YET. 

I had a few drinks one evening and sent it to 2 publishing houses - first one said they were no longer accepting manuscripts, so I didn't take it as rejection (still got some positive ...thing in me, I guess) and

- the second has yet to respond - the official 3 months are not over yet, so...not getting my hopes up (here's the negative)

 

Obviously, since I am a master procrastinator, I have started writing 2 other novels, writing on this blog and created one more instead of working on editing and improving my finished manuscript.  

Wine and other alcoholic beverages

Teen Kidzilla believes I may have a drinking problem. 

Well...excuse you, but who doesn't these days?

I'll admit, I'll have my 400 ml glass of wine at the end of a long/horrible day and that's when he chooses to get out of his cave. I'd say it's just bad timing.

Honestly, I haven't come up with a better way to decompress, so, I'm not worried for now (sips from glass of wine...)

I lost one, made a new one

They say that if a friendship lasts 7 years, it will last a lifetime.

Sorry to say that in my case, it didn't work out. 

I did have somebody in my life since 2004, someone I called a best friend, but, at some point, we stopped holding hands and started walking on different paths.

It hurts a lot, but all you can do is the exact same thing you do at a funeral: you light a candle, mourn the loss and move on with your life holding on to the good times. 

Amen! 

No, I am not taking this lightly, but that's life. 

You can't force anybody to do or feel anything, therefore, the mature thing is to accept it and cherish what you once had.

I lost one, but gained another. A truly wonderful human. Too bad she lives in a God forsaken city/village...something ... Why, God, why???

Maturity/ Emotional Intelligence / Accountability 

Most of us adults over 25 are familiar with the concepts, but only few actually understand it or live by it - I am still learning.

I will have to admit that it is only in my late 30's, when learning about narcissism, that I could better understand the other concepts. 

Right now, in my 40's, my Instagram feed is actually feeding me stuff about 20 types of narcissists, what normal relationshits could look like if both partners had healthy views on life and differences between men and boys. 

I am ashamed to admit that I haven't been a self educated adult in my 20's or my 30's when it came to what 'healthy' actually meant. I had to get to the age of perimenopause to learn about a lot of stuff.

And here comes the interesting part of my psychological life: I am dealing with 3 different generation of penises:

Kidzilla - soon to be 16

The KID - 34

Bob - 54

All of a sudden, you understand my 'alcohol' problem that my teen has brought up, right? No? Oh well...

What I mean by 'dealing' with them is that, some days, I fall right in the middle of their frustrations, lack of empathy, narcissism, unmet needs, misunderstandings, desire to control anything and anyone. 

It is the battle of 'Who got the bigger balls' or 'Let me show you all the ways you are wrong and I am right' or worse yet (if that even exists) - 'Let me show you how I am the victim in all this', with me being in the wrong every time, obviously. 

What these generations of men who challenge me all in one day sometimes is immaturity and lack of emotional intelligence.

Only one has the right to behave how he does and it's easy to understand who that is - I'll give you a hint: he's still a virgin.

The bigger problem here is that I am still learning about myself and trying to find ways not to get into their crazy. 

I'm not always successful in finding ways to put out the fires.

I'm not always as patient as I would like to.

I'm not always as mature as I believe myself to be.

I don't always avoid getting into their games and find myself defending myself from their accusations, even though, most of the times, it's just them deflecting. 

I try not to yell, but damn, it's hard. 

I try to justify myself and my feelings a tad too much and that's just something I will need to work on.

 New Year's resolutions

I was always bad at this, but I do have a few things that I would like to achieve this year.

The reason is quite simple: now, in my 40's, I can honestly say that life is too fucking short cause I have no idea where the last decade went and I've been wasting a lot of time waiting for things that never happened or feeling sorry for myself somehow. 

Changing people or changing the behaviors that hurt us is as much of a fantasy as waiting for a 'rich' unicorn to appear to our front door.

So, what I'd like to do is travel. 

And practice self care - whatever that means and in every sense of the word.

And see my friends more.

And learn something new.

Walk 3 km on the treadmill at least 3 times a week. I started the year by walking 3 km on Jan 2nd and I'll be damned if I give up on this.

Make sure that the people I care about truly feel loved, heard and seen - something I need too, but that's another story; guess I can learn to provide that for myself. 

Well, it's been nice blabbing about stuff and all, but my glass of wine is now empty and I can't disappoint Kidzilla.

Happy New Year, everyone!