It's not you, it's ME

     Few days ago I went out with some girlfriends. My total nightmare: mothers only! So what if I'm a mom too? Sorry, I'm not one of those who spends her time talking about her kid. And I don't enjoy hearing others talk about theirs. With some exceptions of course...I'm not a total bitch. Or am I?

    There were 4 of us. As usual: two of them married, one unmarried but about to and ME.  One of the subjects discussed was ME. 

TRANSLATION: My life after Bob and 

my sex life with the KID

    While preparing to leave the bar, one of the married ones, that I hadn't seen in a while (last time I saw her I was still with Bob, I think, but can't really rely on my memory...wish I were an elephant sometimes, but judging by how fast I'm gaining weight, I'll probably be one soon) said : 

         " I love the way you are, I like your strength, but you've kinda turned into a little bitch. "

 If I had lasers in my eyes, I think I would have burned her instantly. For some reason, the fact that she said that upset me for a second. But then I started thinking, analyzing: is she telling the truth? Have I really become a bitch? What made her say that? 

   If I were a journalist, I'd look for my three sources, but since I'm not, I'll just take a closer look at the way I've been behaving lately. Let's bring in the witnesses:

 Witness no. 1: The KID

Every time we fight, I chase him away, pushing him to the limit, making him want to walk out the door, acting like a cold hearted person, showing him that I'm fine without him and I don't need anyone...not even him. I make him doubt everything and most importantly, I make him doubt HIMSELF.

I started seeing in me a man like behavior (no offense). I am talking about the type of man who's only thinking of himself, the selfish kind, using women (or at least believing that he does), eternally afraid of committing, leading a life that may be seen as superficial. 

Witness no. 2: Kidzilla

 When Bob and I were still together, I had the overprotective mother role: whenever the baby did something bad and Bob wanted to scold him and send him to the corner, I'd almost start crying at the same time with Kidzilla. I didn't like (and I still don't like) seeing my baby cry, no matter the reason. 

Now with Bob out of the picture and Kidzilla growing really fast and developing his brain and actually using it, I don't really have a choice, but to scold him, correcting the things he does wrong...well, educate him. And sometimes, I think brain surgery would be much easier.

      And going back to the BITCH thing...Are we the product of our "executioners"? When I say WE, I mean those who were hurt by someone one way or another and who were forever changed.
    Cause what I see in ME is that I am now a new person; I'm actually seeing myself as an IMPROVED me. I feel more powerful and I see that I can make things happen and for the first time in my life, I believe in my own strength and the things I can do for me by myself. 
 I may become slightly egotistical cause I think I've said ME way too many times for one phrase. 
   The downside is that we really risk becoming like those that hurt us in the first place and thus , we can and will hurt others. It's a vicious circle and I'm not so sure I want to be a part of it. 
    So, what's more important: accepting that we are "uncaring bastards and proud of it" like Chuck Palahniuk says or try and change history? Is it even possible to undo the changes that we suffer?
   And I have one more theory, correct me if I'm wrong...

When we're truly badly hurt, we change and can :
    
  either let the scars rule our entire life and thus allow ourselves to be hurt indefinitely 

               or 

 turn the wounds into strength and "walk" on everyone who would ever even consider bringing us close to a situation that would allow those wounds to bleed again. 

Believe it or not, I am actually trying to fight against this theory and find the way in the middle.