December 17, 2013

No, I am NOT a romantic

 “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri – age 4

   I was told recently by my current other half that, what I was actually looking for in our relationship was my old one, what I had before him.   
   Told him he was crazy, of course. What else can you tell a 23 year old who thinks he knows better (even though he's at his first) about relationships than me, a 32 year old who spent half of her life in relationships.  Damn! He wasn't even in school when I started my first "serious" one.
    But later, I gotta admit...he got me thinking. That's one of the things I love about the KID: he's constantly challenging my mind.
    I thought about all the things that made me the romantic partner that I am today. Well, don't take it literally unless "romantic" means farting in front of your significant other. 
 What I found when looking back was ...surprising to say the least. I'd have myself as a sex friend at most. And I'm not 100% sure about that either since, I kind of became lazy in bed. And I've got the KID to blame for that. Maybe this should be a written rule: the younger one makes all the effort during sex. I've had my share, so zip it, KID!

   I wonder if it's my last relationship that changed me the most or everything since the beginning of my emotional life? Cause when I was 18, I thought I had found the love of my life.  Same when I was 27...Now...I believe in my son, my little KIDZILLA
     I believe that the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.  Cliche, I know, but it's definitely something I truly believe in.
     I believe that I'll know who the love of my life was once I'm on my deathbed. Cause in the end, it's only the heart that's monogamous.

    What I seem to look for now is peace of mind, freedom to be left to do whatever I want (starting with writing and ending with my rare night short TV tour throughout those 300 useless channels), comfort from any point of view. But not the boring comfort! 
     I am trying not to be selfish, but for now I'm told I'm not really succeeding. But what's strange is that, "selfish" seems to be the new trend. Can I be called selfish just because I  receive more without asking? Yes, I know, I'm a pile of fabulousness, who can resist? But still...
      I give as much as I can, as much as I feel, as much as I think is needed from me. Ok, some of you may say that this is such an individualist way of seeing things, but the one next to me (that's you, KID) should be happy with my kind of love, with my way of loving.

   Love cannot be measured, so once I said (and meant it), trust that I am yours and I'll be there for good or long as I can resist psychologically.
   Trust that you are in my mind even though I don't call or text several times a day...
   Trust that when I'm out with friends or asking for space, I'm not running away from you, but running towards you, creating time to miss each other...
   Trust that when I hold you in my arms and kiss you, even though not coming as often as you do, I cherish those moments like none other...
   Trust that, when I "abandon" you for things that are mine and only mine, it's because I treasure my time with myself as much as that with you...
   Trust that, when I say  every now and then (ok, once every few months), I feel it with every part of me...

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