December 2, 2013

It's not you, it's ME

     Few days ago I went out with some girlfriends. My total nightmare: mothers only! So what if I'm a mom too? Sorry, I'm not one of those who spends her time talking about her kid. And I don't enjoy hearing others talk about theirs. With some exceptions of course...I'm not a total bitch. Or am I?
    There were 4 of us. As usual: two of them married, one unmarried but about to and ME.  One of the subjects discussed was ME. 
TRANSLATION: My life after Bob and 

my sex life with the KID

    While preparing to leave the bar, one of the married ones, that I hadn't seen in a while (last time I saw her I was still with Bob, I think, but can't really rely on my memory...wish I were an elephant sometimes, but judging by how fast I'm gaining weight, I'll probably be one soon) said
         " I love the way you are, I like your strength, but you've kinda turned into a little bitch. "
 If I had lasers in my eyes, I think I would have burned her instantly. For some reason, the fact that she said that upset me for a second. But then I started thinking, analyzing: is she telling the truth? Have I really become a bitch? What made her say that? 
   If I were a journalist, I'd look for my three sources, but since I'm not, I'll just take a closer look at the way I've been behaving lately. Let's bring in the witnesses:
 Witness no. 1: The KID
Every time we fight, I chase him away, pushing him to the limit, making him want to walk out the door, acting like a cold hearted person, showing him that I'm fine without him and I don't need anyone...not even him. I make him doubt everything and most importantly, I make him doubt HIMSELF.
I started seeing in me a man like behavior (no offense). I am talking about the type of man who's only thinking of himself, the selfish kind, using women (or at least believing that he does), eternally afraid of committing, leading a life that may be seen as superficial. 

Witness no. 2: Kidzilla
 When Bob and I were still together, I had the overprotective mother role: whenever the baby did something bad and Bob wanted to scold him and send him to the corner, I'd almost start crying at the same time with Kidzilla. I didn't like (and I still don't like) seeing my baby cry, no matter the reason. 
Now with Bob out of the picture and Kidzilla growing really fast and developing his brain and actually using it, I don't really have a choice, but to scold him, correcting the things he does wrong...well, educate him. And sometimes, I think brain surgery would be much easier.

      And going back to the BITCH thing...Are we the product of our "executioners"? When I say WE, I mean those who were hurt by someone one way or another and who were forever changed.
    Cause what I see in ME is that I am now a new person; I'm actually seeing myself as an IMPROVED me. I feel more powerful and I see that I can make things happen and for the first time in my life, I believe in my own strength and the things I can do for me by myself. 
 I may become slightly egotistical cause I think I've said ME way too many times for one phrase. 
   The downside is that we really risk becoming like those that hurt us in the first place and thus , we can and will hurt others. It's a vicious circle and I'm not so sure I want to be a part of it. 
    So, what's more important: accepting that we are "uncaring bastards and proud of it" like Chuck Palahniuk says or try and change history? Is it even possible to undo the changes that we suffer?
   And I have one more theory, correct me if I'm wrong...

When we're truly badly hurt, we change and can :
  either let the scars rule our entire life and thus allow ourselves to be hurt indefinitely 


 turn the wounds into strength and "walk" on everyone who would ever even consider bringing us close to a situation that would allow those wounds to bleed again. 

Believe it or not, I am actually trying to fight against this theory and find the way in the middle.


  1. I need to explain and reproduce exactly what I meant to say and what would be my impression after our girlsnight out or your nightmare '' mothers only'' as you called it.
    "I love the way you are, I love that you are strong and you starting act like a bitch", I said and I mean and I refered strictly to your behavior towards the situation with Bob and the things you are doing to him lately the thing with the thin Tshirt ..the fact that you have a sex partner younger than him ..and so on because you are doing now a lot of things that burn him up and I think is very important that he is not seeing you down and destroyed after his leaving your family for a fade person or whatever passing affair. He is a weak and selfish person and he probably left you because you are stronger than him but this means he didn't deserved you enough and you must fight against him with all your arms and weapons..and I'm very agree to act and beat him with his own words and "act like a bitch" THIS I mean to say ..
    Please be strong for you, for your child and for this world full of weak, frustrated, low in principles, family against and selfish individuals.
    I am truly sorry that I challenged another storm brain and guilt self conscience episode to your inquiring mind, BUT please understand IS NOT YOU IS HIM!!!!You are perfect and I love you!

    1. I know exactly what you meant...and I thank you for actually making me become well aware of what I am and what I can be. Don't worry, I know exactly what you meant ;) and I love how all of you challenge my intellect...all mothers :))

  2. This is a really thought provoking post. I find that every time I get hurt I grow a little harder. I view it as stronger, but I also find myself jealous of the people who allow themselves to be that vulnerable over and over again. I don't know if their idiots or I'm missing something.

    Maybe, like you said, it's finding someplace in the middle.

    Through it all I have learned to be kinder to others and not sweat the small stuff, never let them steal your joy.

    1. I love it that I actually succeeded in challenging your mind... even for a second;) what I'm aiming at is to never get hurt again without walking on other people's feelings and staying human

  3. I have to say it is a great relief to find someone who is a mother but doesn't want to talk about her kids all the time! I don't have kids and find kid talk v borrrrrrring...!

    1. hey Freya, thank you for your comment! well, it's fun for...5 minutes, but then it's like you have become nothing else but a parent with no life outside the kid ...and I never wanted to be that...and I hate those who talk about their kids all the time just to prove others how great parents they are