July 31, 2013

Ladies and gentlemen, this is serious sh&t

    Ladies and gentlemen, beware of the freak that has become Mona! She is now mistress of her domain;) For those of you not knowing who Mona is, well, let me explain: Mona is the name I 've given to my vagina not long ago. Yes, sometimes I feel I got too much free time on my hands. However, in time she has become my sexual alter ego. Mona has taken control of my life and having more fun than I am! Seriously:) 
   It is Mona who brought me to the KID. It is Mona who, that night, kept on nagging me to go see him. Between me and her, she was the sober one and making all the decisions for both of us. I even wonder if it's not her who found the taxi that crazy night.

    Anyway, I would say it is Mona who got me out of the misery I was in when Bob decided to call it a night on our...thing. It is also Mona who made it last more that it should have with her continuous desire for Bob's contact. Now I am starting to believe that everything started to be clear when Mona decided to let go of Bob. She did the right thing after all..
And now, Mona has found a playmate and doing just fine. She got me into a thing I thought I'd never get close to again. 

   I always thought that, when relationships begin, one of the partners starts with a handicap cause they may want or need the relationship more than the other. So, one makes more efforts than the other, tries to be better, do stuff they never did before just to prove they deserve a place in the other's life. And surprise! We enter the life of our dreamed one and we are forever changed. 
  Yesterday I cut the remainings of a plant Bob and I bought at the beginning of our relationship...it was a very small thing that almost grew into a tree. And now it's close to being dead cause I'm very bad with plants (ok, I didn't water it at all...does once in 4 months count?). So, since I'm not a total bitch, I decided to cut it into 3 other plants in order to save it and I got to...this:

They're the symbol of new beginnings for me. This is one of the things left of our 8 years together : one dead flower/plant/tree. 
Anyways, all this initially had a point and that is, the KID. 

   As far as I remember, about 3 months ago I was thinking how death could solve all my heart problems and believing that no man would ever touch my soul again. Well, I was so wrong. But who am I to state anything true about myself? I am a complete stranger to my own self. I was truly, madly, deeply in love and convinced that this would last for ever, that my scars would never heal, that I'd live without feeling anything for anyone or not letting anyone feel anything for me. Well, I got one thing to say: BULLSHIT! and what's worse is that there are so many others believing the same thing as we speak (write:)). 
It all comes down to how much you want to liberate your self from the other's domination and how young the new one is:))
    I am (NOT) proud to say that, now, at 31, I still got a lot to learn about the heart. I do want to be a cold hearted bitch that thinks only of herself and walks on anyone who would dare talk about feelings in her presence again. I did try being that and I even succeeded, but onlu for a very short period of time. NOBODY got hurt in the process. And then suddenly I realized my wounds were healed and I could go back to being ME. 
   It's the little things we don't expect from life, the things we never believe that could happen that make us happiest. The more we try to deny or get rid of them, the more they claim their place in our lives.
   What I find wonderful is how two people that are so different can still find a way to discover each other. What's more wonderful is the way these two can change and take each other to places and sensations they believed to be excluded from. Yeah KID, you really did a number on me;) and I will be forever greatful. 
  Sometimes I wonder how it all happens. It's obvious we can't be monogamous and everybody cheats at least once in their lives, but can the heart ever become monogamous? Can the heart only stay faithful to one love? I can't say anything from personal experience besides one thing: NOT! 
   I should go back to Mona...Mona who has betrayed me three months ago and stopped to one guy: the KID! Why Mona, why? We were doing just fine not caring in the NO FEELINGS world. Were we really? If we were, why did we leave that world? Bob hasn't damaged me that bad in this case, cause if he had, I wouldn't be here, eating peaches and plums in bed with my KID at 1 o'clock in the morning. I would be here not eating at all, by myself, probably still feeling sorry for me...and Mona. 
  I wish I knew who I really am. I've never lived such passion, I've never felt so wanted in my life and...guess what... This is what I've always dreamed of: a guy for whom I would mean PASSION, LUST, EVERYTHING and who would make me feel the same way about him. At least for a short moment in time, at least for a second. Everytime I think about this, I remember a small fragment from a book, where, after divorcing, a woman lives such relationship with someone...consuming passion that finally ends in tears for her. Of course, it's always bad for the woman. 
  Ever since the heartbreak, I said I'd live everything as it comes, without overthinking it too much, without analyzing it, without making any scenarios...but...let's not forget my negative side that never ever left me. It's telling me that it'll all end just as it began: suddenly and without realizing or understanding any of it. I know KID, I know...You hate me for saying this, but I'm just an old woman pretending ...not to be:)
   And there's Bob, who thinks I'm still there for him, who thinks that planning a vacation with my KID and my son is not normal after just 3 months together. I ask you Bob: what's normal in your world? Taking our son to meet the BITCH and her baby just one month after leaving us? Or coming to see your kid every four days? 
   Isn't it funny how those who hurt us think they can rule and dominate our lives for ever? And isn't it funnier that some of us are trying to prove them wrong? Isn't this a proof that we still care? I was one of those who wanted to prove something to my executioner, but then I realized that I was more important, that the only person I had to prove anything to was MYSELF.
  I know...I am talking serious shit now, but what can I do? That time of the month only happens once a month. Doooohhhh! If I can't say shit now, when will it be a good time? At least this is a damn good excuse.

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