I've been in Paradise, then stepped in Hell and now I'm back to...MYSELF. I no longer wish to question anything, I no longer wish to analyze, I no longer wish to understand or look for reasons why everything is happening. I only want to live and find a meaning in ME. This is a good plan on paper, isn't it? but veeeery hard to stick to for one like me.
I'm curently NOT acting my age,it seems. Aaaand I suffer from emotional blockage.
I am still curious about what made me come back to... life. My mind is the great unknown. Am I in one of Freud's defense mechanisms or not? Am I using sex (read loooooots of sex, unimaginably ...loads of sex..ok, ok, I'll stop) to run away from the pain? Is the pain still there? Why am I not feeling it whenever I'm close to Bob? Why don't I feel anything whenever I see him or the Bitch? Am I in denial? and what is the meaning of denial in my case? Ok, my mind is about to explode. I am phychologically not built for sooooo many questions at once. But maybe this is what being in my thirties mean.
I had a very nice conversation with Bob a few days ago...he saw me with the KID few times and he made some remarks on how cute we were together (really???? I knew that) and how I'm fooling myself to thinking that this is not a relationship. How could you possibly know that, Bob? I still don't know how to call this;how do you call someone who blows your mind and body (I said body to avoid saying SEX...ouups)?
I heard my mom say something that got me thinking about us, love seeking individuals. After seeing the Bitch, she thought that Bob found the right woman, the French girl by excellence (no, she doesn't speak a word of French, nor English for that matter, I even question her maternal language). The Bitch is now a very skinny freckly blonde...still not too much brains, but hey...whatever gets Bob through the days:) I can't lie: I am secretly hoping that by now, he realized how stupid she was, how conversations about her divorce problems and perfect nails are just not as interesting as it may seem (unless if you're a retard). but not because I am slyly wishing for him to come back (hell no), but just to prove him that she is a downgrade.
I learned that she spent her time flirting with guys her age (can't blame her...there's something about young blood). Actually..not guys (at least as far as I know)...only one: my KID! How do you like that, Bob? ok, ok, I'm just being mean now.
Anyway, what my mom said made me wonder if we're not somewhat programmed to end up with the exact type of person we seem to run away our whole life from. While with me, Bob seemed the type of strong and powerful man wanting to have an equal by his side - equal from any point of view. And now he found himself with a chick who is almost half his age and, if asked she would probably say that the capital of Europe is France (I'm sure there are French people out there believing it :)
I said something to Bob - something that seemed untrue at that specific moment; but once I actually processed what I had said, it was more than real. I confessed that our current life is exactly how it was meant to be - nothing more, nothing less.
I wish for nothing else besides my son's health. Other than that, my life really has everything I once secretly dreamed of - because, yes, there were times, back with Bob, when I thought : what happened if me and Bob weren't together anymore? how would it be for me to have all this freedom? and here I am...sometimes I do tend to believe this: be careful what you wish for cause it may happen!
I don't regret a thing: not the 14 days I haven't touched food after he left, not the 8 years that ended in lies, not the time I begged for love, not when he hurt me even more each time I cried, not the moments I felt my house was closing down on me - all this led to one thing: freedom. It's the freedom of my soul.
No! don't be fooled...not for one moment: I feel nothing.
Part 2
this evening was..."special" to say the least...the bizarre "special". Bob came home to see the baby and we played together, the three of us like we used to. What can I say? the family memories are unique and I treasure them, so I guess this is why I maintain a civilized relationship with the father of my child.
We played with the sprinkler in the garden: our baby used it to hose us. what was interesting was that Bob got really close ...it was just for a second that our bodies were one against each other ..all wet. I know. It sounds like a scene from a bad porn movie, but nothing happened. What I felt was the touch of...a man..any man, the same kind of touch one feels when bumping into Mr. NOBODY when crossing the street: it bothers you for a second and then you move on.
I am starting to believe that, if the sex drive is gone, there's really nothing left here for you, Bob...
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